Changeling~

On Wednesday night, we had to meet with our tax guy. It's that time of year again. It brought bittersweet feelings to me on my long drive in the rain down to Ft. Lauderdale to meet with our tax guy. This time last year, I walked into the tax guys office, glowing and baring a beautiful pregnant belly. I remember sitting there not being that comfortable, because by that time it was hard for me to breath, she was a big girl inside me and took up a lot of space in there, that my lungs couldn't fully inhale or expand as wide as they use to.

I also remember often losing focus on anything the tax guy even had been saying to us, because baby girl would squirm or kick me in the rib. She was a feisty girl. When she would start kicking, it was like she was doing a kick boxing class for about 15 minutes at a time in there. Oh so bittersweet..... bitter about having to do the tax thing, and finding out that we may actually have to pay taxes this year, and sweet being able to look and hold that little beautiful girl in my arm that was once rolling and kicking inside my womb.

It was rainy all day yesterday and its suppose to do this for the next 3 days. I know my Florida weather and months, its going to do this on and off for the next couple of months probably. Although, I normally don't mind it, because I love the tropical rain we get here in South Florida. I love to open my doors and windows, listening to the rain drops hitting the ground. Wednesday, Mark and I thought we would hire a babysitter for Morgan, while Hunter was with his dad and we would make a date out of our tax meeting trip to Ft. Lauderdale. We got married down in Ft. Lauderdale and there are tons of restaurants down there to eat at. We haven't been on many dates over the last few months. This was an opportunity to not be passed up.

Here we are having our tax meeting, Im getting text messages from Devin, having a fun time with Morgan. As Morgan is talking up a storm in her own ways and language, causing Devin to crack up hysterically. We wrap it up and hop into Marks car, leaving my car parked in the garage. As we circle the block trying to decide which way to go, while its pouring rain on us.... all of the sudden we find ourselves sitting at a stop sign, debating to go eat or just grab our favorite Wings and Moes.. jump into some sweats, hop on the couch and watch a movie tonight. You guessed it, that's what we decided to do. Got home, ate our Wings and Moes, fed baby girl, gave her a bath and put her down to sleep. Our date went like this, driving in traffic and pouring rain, seeing a car turned upside down on the highway, getting our Wings and Moes, movie at blockbuster, feeding baby girl, bathing baby girl, baby girl went right to sleep, popcorn in microwave and movie in player.  A great date if you ask me. 

Have you guys seen this movie? CHANGELING?


If you have not, I would not read the rest of this post.

Don't say I didn't warn you.....

For that that want to know what the movie is about and knows the probably will not get out to rent it, here is the short verbal version of it.

It is about a mother (played by Angelina Jolie) who is a single mom of a 9 year old little boy. A true story! She went to work one day, only to come home to her little boy missing. It took place back in the 1920's, right before the Great Depression, and when LAPD had a bad rap for their crooked police department. 

While out looking for her missing son, they return to her another boy that was not hers. In order to save themselves from embarrassment and getting bad reviews in the paper, they convince the mom to just take the boy home for now and they would help her figure it out later. She being a mom in shock, expecting to see her little boy. sort of gets pushed off forcing to take the boy home. They tell her that its her son, trying to just wipe clean of this situation and move on.  She is persistent in telling them its not her son, so to keep them looking for hers. Not wanting to the take the rap, they then start making claims on her, saying she is not mentally stable, and seems to be an unfit mother now.  That she liked her freedom and was happy her son was missing.  To keep her quite they throw her in a psychiatric center, doing horrible things to her.

A pastor of a huge church and radio station, decides he is going to help her and expose what was taking place with the law force. In the process of all this hell the mother is going through to get her son back, they find a serial killer living out on a farm, who was kidnapping young boys of the age 8 or 9 years old (my sons age). Taking them out to his farm, locking them up in the chicken house and then brutally murdering them. He has a young nephew that is living with him, and he forces him to often 'finish' off the little boys if they weren't fully dead. The nephew ends up in custody with the police for something else he had done,  and ends up confessing to all the murders he and his uncle had committed. When asked to look at pictures of all these missing boys, he was able to remember a lot of the boys by photo that they had killed and buried out on the farm. He pointed out Angelina's son, Walter Collins.

They take the boy to the farm to prove that he wasn't lying, and sure enough he digs up remains of bodies that they had buried. They go after the uncle and he is convicted of several accounts of murder and has been sentenced to prison death, by hanging. He sees Angelina in the court room and says tells her he didn't kill her son, to only years later, the day before he is to be hung, calls to meet her face to face.  Saying he will confess he did kill her son to her face. Only wanting closure so she can go on living in peace and stop searching for him, agrees to meet this man in prison. During all this time, she still 'feels' her son is alive and doesn't want to accept or believe he was killed, that he was in the group of boys that were able to escape one night (Ill get to that). When she sits face to face with the guy, expecting him to confess, he goes crazy and tries to kiss her. He wouldn't admit to killing her son. She is left again with the on going pain and loss of her son and not having any answers. The next day the man was hung to his death. During all of this, they show scenes as to what took place to those children on that farm. Seeing their frightened faces, fragile little bodies and terror in their eyes... my heart aches to know that this actually took place. That this kind of brutal behavior takes place in this world every single day. I can't even wrap my brain around it. Its beyond what I can bare.

Years go by again, and still no answer or sign of Angelina's little boy being found. A call comes in and a boy has been found, she rushes down to see the boy, only to see its another families son. Turns out he is one of 5 boys,  that escaped the farm one night. When being questioned he remembered her son, Walker Collins. Stating that because of Walter, he was alive. Stating that his foot got stuck in the wires on the chicken fence as they were escaping, and Walter ran back to help free his foot. All 5 boys escaped that night, but the killer ran after them and shot at them. Until this day no one knows if those boys fully escaped, living free and in hiding, afraid to go to the police and share their story. Or, if the killer recaptured them and killed them. Only one of those 5 boys came out of hiding to be reunited with his family. 

End of the story and movie.... Angelina never stopped searching for her son, but was never successful in finding out what ever really happened to him.  A mother that lived the rest of her life not knowing if her son was brutally murdered or living and hiding out in the world in fear. The only thing that kept her alive and going, was the little bit of "hope" that she was given by the boy that was reunited to his family. "Hope" that there was a chance that her son Walter, did in fact escape just as that boy did, but was hiding in fear. 

It breaks my heart just thinking of ever going through something that painful, scary and devastating of losing your child and never not knowing the truth of his story.

It was a great movie, and I think Angelina did a fantastic job in her role. However, I went to bed that night wanting to dive to Hunter's dads house, so I could bring him home to snuggle with here. However, since that wasn't an option, I went and got Morgan out of her bed instead, bring her into bed with me. I wanted to just hold her and keep her close to me. Thankful for my blessings, while crying and praying for all those parents that have lost a child to sickness or to something as mean and unimaginable as murder.  

Although it was wonderful in theory, reality hit, when Morgan wakes and realizes she is not in her bed. Thinking it was funny, she begins to giggle and roll around, thinking its play time. So, being almost midnight, I have to take her back to her room, feed her a bottle and start all over with rocking and putting her to sleep in her own room. Ending the night not getting to sleep or snuggle with either of my children. 

Yesterday, with all the gloomy skies and continued rain..... I found myself just feeling a bit "blue". There seems to be so much sadness and evil taking place all around us (always, every day), that it's hard sometimes to focus on the blessings. In which I do every single day...count my blessings. Being a mom has changed my life. I have never been this emotional in all my life. I didn't fear anything but God. God tells me that I am to not fear anything still to this day but Him, but its hard. I know He loves my children, even more than I love them. That is hard to believe, but I do believe it. After all, they are His to begin with, and He created them. He is only loaning them to me, and has chosen me to train them in HIS ways. But, I can't help but think and fear of all the awful horrible things out in this world that could happen to them, and has happened to someone else's child. Out of all the bad in this world, the innocent children are what rip my heart out of my chest and strike a nerve with me the most.

I will NEVER understand how anyone can hurt a child. A CHILD! It's awful.

Anyways, before I get all emotional... I ended up watching the movie by myself, as hubby fell asleep on the couch with his wine glass, popcorn bowl and blanket. Ahh... yes, so that was my Wednesday tax and movie night date. If you haven't seen the movie, I suggest watching it. Good movie, despite the real story behind it. If anything, it will make you want to never leave your child alone EVER, and rush them to the next "child safety course" you can find. Teach your child how to protect themselves from strangers and horrible people after them. 

Today....I wish it were sunny and not raining! It just feels sad today. So many stories on blogs with people losing their babies, to knowing that there are children being hurt and killed all across the world. People losing their jobs left and right, homes being lost. It can be overwhelming. I don't read the news paper, I don't watch TV/news at all.  I simply love to blog, but lately its becoming a place that exposes me to the reality of our lost and fallen world as much as the TV/News papers would.  Blogging is my ONLY escape (so I like to think) while I am sitting home all day with baby girl.  Its my only adult entertainment and interaction I get during my days. Now even it is getting to the point where I may have to back off and not get on my computer as much.  

Maybe God is calling me to use all this time to have my "adult" interaction with HIM?  I may take a hiatus soon here, and spend some extra time in HIS word. I need to renew my spirites and give God some date nights.  We haven't had many real 'date nights' in awhile either. I guess, he smiles at me and loves me just the same when I fall asleep reading my bible, as my honey does when watching movies with me.  LOL 

I am blessed more than I deserve. Today I will sing HIS praises, and give thanks for today is the day the LORD has made, let me rejoice in it.

PS: If you read the Cora Paige blog, I often have mentioned here on my own blog.  Cora's mom, Jessica, had mentioned on her blog about a 14 year boy that died during his surgery, the same exact day that Cora went in to have her surgery.  Cora having survived the surgery fine.  They recently were informed that the father of that 14 year old boy was recently killed in a farming accident. Leaving behind his wife and three other children.  Please with the many others on your prayer list, remember this hurting family.