making it official

Today, I am heading down to the hospital to go through the process and course of getting my hospital badge, to make me officially the first certified volunteer photographer in Fort Lauderdale for terminally ill children (that I know of, and the hospital knows of anyways!).

Again, its a bittersweet feeling.  Sweet feeling, because I am going to make a difference in the lives of many, while bitter, making a difference in their lives through the deepest, darkest and most heartbreaking times of their lives.  

I want ALL children to feel loved, wanted and special, because in God's eyes, and my eyes, THEY ARE just that.  SPECIAL.

Sad news, but was to be expected.  

Remember this post, when I posted the foot and hand of two different babies, and two different broken hearts? 

Baby boy took his last breath late evening, Saturday night.  He was comforted and held by his nurse, and was not alone.  Although, his parents never came back to see him or say good-bye, they did before leaving him, made arrangements for him after his death.  

Although, for reason we will never understand, this little boy still had a purpose and served it in full.  He didn't live a second longer or shorter, than his creator intended for him to live. I truly with all my heart, believe that.  

He was loved and he was special, even with a broken heart.  

I do not know the circumstances of his family, or why they chose to leave him behind.  I will not judge.  This will not be a part of my job when I photograph these children.  What I will do, is I will pray for this family, as I would any family that has lost a child.  I will assume this family is heartbroken and grieved stricken, and I will pray for God to comfort them.  

I want to ask you to do the same.  Please pray for this family for the lost of their little boy.  Although, I call him Baby Boy here in my blog to keep him and his family protected and respected, he had a name and I know it.  His family knows it.  The hospital knows it.  GOD KNOWS IT. 

HE HAS A NAME! 

See you soon,  little little angel.  

Update on Baby Girl #3 - A little girl that is sick and dying with an aggressive cancer, at a young age of only 22 months old, that I was to photograph Tuesday as I mentioned before.  As things would have it, it did not happen.  Over the weekend while out photographing my children at the carnival, my camera took a hard fall to the ground, on cement, and broke.  I am taking it to be repaired today.  I was in tears over this.  Thankfully, as satan would try to stop good from happening, God opened another door for me, with a lot of rain and the ability to purchase an upgrade of my camera.  

The rain, allowed some relief to me having to cancel on this family.  I felt that they had already been disappointed so much here, that having me cancel on them was not what I wanted to do.  It being so dark and ugly out, she was okay with rescheduling for next week, just in time for my new camera to arrive, and hoping baby girl continues to remain so strong.

That is not the reason I am mentioning this little girl though.  I wanted to give you an update on the shoot, that it has been rescheduled.  At the same time, I want to ask that you please, please, please remember this little girl and her family in your prayers.  

Imagine the fear, the pain and the sadness they must feel as they wake up to their little girl or lay her down for bed each night, at only 22 months old, just shy of 2 years old.  Not knowing if this will be their last day or night with her.  She is doing okay now, she is still mobile like any 22 month old would be, but with this type of aggressive cancer, it can hit nerves and part of the brain and body any moment, and she will no longer be their little happy mobile baby girl.  

They don't even have a time frame of how much time they have left with her.  Can you imagine that?  I can hear in the mothers voice, the hurt of a mother's heart being ripped away with every moment and thought of the near approaching loss of her baby girl.  

Please pray for this family.  

And please keep me in your prayers.  

The hospital requires that I have a debriefing session, after each photography session I have with a child.  They are looking out for their members, and taking me in and guiding me as the baby sister being welcomed into their family here at the hospital.  So far, I am doing okay, and I welcome the debriefing.  I knew this was going to be hard going into it, and I pray every day that as God leads me to this, that he protects my emotions and my heart, so that I can have a healthy experience with this, and not have it cause stress or hardship in my own life and home.  

He is protecting me very much right now, I feel it.  

As the sad thoughts try to creep into my head at random moments throughout the days.  God comforts them with wonderful thoughts and I give praise for His mercy, grace and love in my life.  

I almost feel like I am walking on a high.... I truly feel that I am walking according to God's plan in all of this and I have a sense of peace and comfort through it all.  That is a great feeling.

God Bless.  

A Not Me, Monday Tuesday!! (Did it again!)

Okay, so we didn't do our usual Not Me, Monday. So, why not today, Tuesday? 

Here we go.  

It was NOT ME, that cut my hair again.  Simple.  

Not Me!!!  

It was not me that let Rodrigo go after he cut my hair this morning, only to have called him back AGAIN, to cut off MORE this afternoon.  Not me! 

So, whatcha think?

Click HERE for the previous cut post.

the little girl that could

Friday.

This is Sunday, but what I am about to share was my day,  Friday!

It was a typical day here in sunny the month of May, in Florida, RAINY.  

Lots of rain.

I got home, feeling tired from the night before because Butterfly woke up at least five times Thursday night.  In which at one point I could tell she was either running a fever, or she was feeling warm from her fleece pj's daddy put her in.  I turned the fan on for her in her room, giving her a little fresh air.  After the three o'clock rocking, I put her back to bed and she made it through the rest of the night.  

Six AM rolls around (way too fast) and we are up and getting daddy out the door for work, and bubba dressed and ready for school.  

Around 8:15 AM, Butterfly and I are home from dropping bubba off a school, and we begin our usual morning schedule of making the beds, feeding the cats and then making breakfast for ourselves. Well, I make the breakfast, Morgan sits in her chair and gives me her chatter box of baby gibberish.  She loves to talk. 

After breakfast she started acting really fussy and clinging on me.  I could tell she wasn't feeling 100%, but wasn't sure if she was just tired from waking up so much last night, teething and or still exhausted from missing her second nap the day before, due to being at bubba's baseball game. 

I had a friend and her son coming up for a playdate, so I thought I would try and get Morgan down a little early for her nap, so she could sleep a bit later if she needed.  While I did get her down for her nap, she woke up and then I would put her down again.  I could tell she wasn't feeling that well, and was hesitant to call off the playdate. We had already pushed it back a few times I felt bad, and I was hoping that maybe after a good solid nap she would be her happier self.  

After putting her down for her nap, it all then seemed to have spiraled out of control.

I got a call from the school counselor.  She had just spoken with Hunter about his behavior that morning at school.  Hunter is having some issues with some boys at his school over the last several weeks, and its gotten to the point where Hunter feels really hurt over things and is starting to act out towards them, as they have towards him.  Anyways, another post, later on.

I then received a call from the hospital that I am photographing for, saying how pleased the families where with the photos I photographed last week.  They said baby boy was hanging in there still.  Then I was asked if I could photograph another little girl of only 22 months who had cancer when she was 3 months old, and now relapsed with having it again. Only to now have an aggressive case of cancer this time, that she cant be treated.  She was taken home on hospice care.  I am going to photograph her with her family this week, and I can't wait to give her a big hug and kiss.  Can you imagine?  It breaks my heart into many pieces. 

While I am still very new to photography, and learning as I go.  A couple of photographer friends of mine have been SO helpful.  One girl I went to high school with. You can go HERE to check our Allison's blog and photos of her adorable little girl and photography.  Thanks Allison.

Then my other good friend David Vance, whom I have mentioned on here before, and as well posted some of the recent photos he photographed of me.  He is actually going to go with me to photograph this little girl and her family this week. Giving me pointers and advice with the camera.  I feel a huge relief just having him there by my side, because I want to give these families the best photos I possibly can.  

While Allison is encourages me to step out of my comfort zone of AV mode, and start trying to use my Manual mode.  I thought I would go outside while Butterfly was sleeping and play with my camera. Explore this manual mode stuff.

While I was clicking away, shooting at two beautiful furry buddies of mine (a.k.a. my cats). When all of the sudden I hear the strangest noise on Morgan's monitor.  It didn't sound right so I went right away to check on her.  Only to see her sitting there looking terrified, gasping for air and beat read and sweating as if she was in a sauna, and or had been screaming and crying for a long time.  Which obviously wasn't possible, since I was near her monitor the whole time and would have heard her.

I picked her up and I could tell something was wrong with her.  She was grunting really fast and hard, as if she couldn't breath. So I quickly start talking to her and trying to get her to look at me.  Took her outside to see the rain, thinking it would calm her down and distract her, but it didn't.  Something wasn't right. I could feel her heart beating through her clothes, just by holding her.  

I didn't even take the time to change out of my pj's or hers. I got her blanket, diaper bag and my purse and rushed out of the door.  I took her down the street to our pediatricians office, got her out of the car, put the blanket over her head to keep her dry from the rain, to be greeted with a locked door.  The office was closed for lunch. 

By this time, Morgan is still crying and grunting for air, that I am starting to get upset and nervous.  

I then take her across the street to this little walk-in urgent medical care center.  Having people in the lobby waiting, the receptionist sees Morgan and her age, and immediately rush us in.  They take her temp and its 104.3 and her heart rate was really high.  They try to entertain her to calm her down and tell me they called a paramedic to come and pick us up to take her to the hospital for better urgent care.

{I hate seeing those tears}

It really seemed like a short few minutes for the medics to arrive. The next thing I know is that I am being asked to sit on the stretcher, while they strap my waist and legs down, and then hold Morgan on top of me. They are attempting to attach things to Morgan's toe, so they can get vital readings, but she just wasn't having it, so they left her alone in order to not cause her further stress.  

{Being so brave}

The medic guy continues to tell me that what their concern is at the moment is her grunting for air, with high fever and high heart rate, that babies can have seizures with this combo.  

Okay.  Not what I needed to hear.  This is much more serious than I thought it to be or I guess wanted it to be.

{Trying to keep her occupied}

We arrive at the hospital, and Morgan surprisingly was pretty chilled on the ride there, but wasn't herself.  She was distracted with all the excitement but at the same time still pretty loopy (I can't find a better word to describe her). It was pouring when we got out there.  I hate the the attention when being pushed around on the stretcher, so I just kept my face down on Morgan in order to not notice all the eyes looking upon us, to see what was our emergency.  

If I was asked to walk in the same door they took us in at the ER entrance and walk back to the room they put us in when arrived. I wouldn't be able to find it, that is how little I lifted my eyes up to look around me.  I was a bit nervous.  I am pretty calm when it comes to stuff like that, but I think when I was told we were being transported to the ER, I was thrown off a bit. 

Wasn't expecting that at all.

As soon as we arrive, there are several people in the room, attaching heart monitors on her, attaching vital reading machines to her toes.  Swabbing both her nostrils with these tiny swab sticks.  Sticking ear the otoscope in both her ears.  Holding her tongue down with a tongue blade or stick to view her mouth.  She really gets upset when they look in her ears and place the cold stethoscope on her back and chest to list to her heart and lungs. 

{She hated that her her toe}

{And kept trying to get it off} Successful about ten times!

At this time, the heart monitor says that her heart rate is in the high 190-200's, when it should be in the 160-170 range.  Her temperature was still extremely high also, so they made her take off all her clothes, and put a thermometer in her bottom.  That was not fun.

The want to do more test on her, but try to get her to calm back down for a minute so her heart rate wouldn't continue to rise.  Then as if that wasn't enough, they come in and check her blood pressure, they put a catheter in her vagina to collect urine.  They poked her hand to collect blood.  Then transported us to another room for chest x-rays. 

{She is so innocent, has no clue what all this is for}

All the while she is still making this grunting sound.  Her lungs sound fine.  Everything was looking okay, other than the spiked fever and high heart rate.  So, they weighed her in before giving her some Motrin, hoping that will kick in and bring her temp down while the wait the results of all the test.  

{Thank goodness for Mr. Teddy}

Only five LONG hours later.  Her fever did come down, but not gone.  She did calm down and started to act a little happier.  She was starting to get very mobile in the bed, constantly unhooking anything that was attached to her.  Realizing she must be starving I was able to get some gram crackers and juice for her, and she was ripping it out of my hand like a monkey in a zoo cage.  Taking it quickly, jamming it in her mouth and crawling off and rolling in the bed.  

{My little monkey in the zoo, eating her gram crackers - she was starving}

Friends were calling to check in.  My friend that was coming over for the playdate, I sent her to Lisa's house.  Mark was running around, went to get our things and diaper bag out of my car left at the urgent care center, while also picking me up something to eat and Morgan a change of clothes. One of our pastor friends, Scott came by to check on us.  That was very kind of him and a sweet little surprise. The medic guy came and gave her a little pink teddy bear.  I know, sweet right?

Finally, just when I finally got her down to sleep, the doctor comes in to tell us that everything is fine, but that her counts show she is a virus (or as they call it Viral Syndrome).  Said there wasn't anything they could do for her, but that was the good and bad news.  Good news there doesn't seem to be anything serious going on.  Okay, I will take that.  Bad new, it appears to be viral, but nothing to do for it but wait it out. 

{Finally, asleep!}

They tried to not wake her, but um, who wouldn't wake up when having something poked in your bottom?  They were taking her temperature one last time and taking the IV out of her hand, so that we could be release.  Give us a sheet telling us what to expect or look for in the Viral Syndrome, collected a $200 co-pay and sent us on our way.  Telling us that she will probably run fever for a couple more days, to keep an eye out and it should go away.  

{Getting her heart rate checked before leaving}

{Perfect!}

Then concluded to tell me that her breathing actions, (i.e. grunting for air sounds) are what babies of small ages with high fevers and heart racing can tend to grunt for air, because unlike adults, the don't know how to just make themselves take in deep inhales to get in that positive air to calm the heart down.  Instead they take short grunts of air.  Interesting, but makes sense.

{Reading up on this Viral Syndrome}

By the time we were leaving, she did give the doctor a thumbs up and a smile.  

What a tuff little girl she is.  

The little girl that could.....

That could smile after being poked, touched, pricked and basically messed with in every single part of her body, and still trust enough to give you a smile and a thumbs up on the way out. 

A long night of high fever, a cool bath, many rectal temperature readings.  Let's just say, mommy is exhausted.  Up a few times with her waking up and fussy, even screaming in that traumatized and terrified way.  For anything that touched her foot when unexpected, she feared it was the doctors grabbing her foot again. She would jerk her head up and scream bloody murder.  Take me about 15 minutes to calm her down and get her back to sleep. 

Yesterday, still ran fever most of the day, and she was crabby.  Took a long nap.  Mommy still up several times in the night checking on her.  When she finally broke fever last night, in the early morning hours.  She was soaking wet when I went in to check on her, but she slept through the night and woke up a much happier baby today.  

We even went to Chili's for dinner, and it felt almost as if we were released from quarantine lock down of our home over the last 48 hours.  

Thank you to all of you that have called or sent text checking in on Butterfly.  After a very intense filled day Friday. I was so tired of repeating what had taken place, that I figured I would post the details here, with some photos.  

In truth, I wasn't even going to take pictures.  I thought it would seem a bit weird taking pictures in the ER.  However, I was trying to find whatever I could to entertain/distract Morgan, for the nurses and when taking her picture and then letting her see it. She really enjoyed that, so I kept snapping away.  Not the greatest pictures obviously, but it gives you an idea of what this little girl went through on Friday.  And of course Teddy wouldn't have missed it for anything.  

I love this girl SO SO SO much. This is MY happy baby girl today.  

By the way please keep these babies in prayer.

Baby A - newborn dying of a heart defect.

Baby B - healing from open heart surgery.

Baby C - 22 months old, home on hospice with round two of cancer.  SO heartbreaking. 

Baby Bentley - smooth recovery form her heart surgery.

Baby April Rose - her due date has come and gone now, just waiting for her arrival.  

Baby Stellan - having STV bouts.

My Butterfly - for being so brave, strong and healthy.  

a piece of the puzzle, two broken hearts

It comes at no surprise at all, but yet when it does happen, we always seem to act surprised.  Maybe, it's a mixture of being surprised, and or simply amazed?  Which ever it may be, I am grateful. 

Today.

Today, was a bittersweet beginning in a new door opening up for me.  

Surprised?  

No!

Amazed?

Absolutely.  

I knew this is where I would be some how, some way, ALL MY LIFE.  

I only never knew HOW it would come to be.  

I knew that I would be working with children, and children of all sizes, with a little bit more favoritism leaning towards newborns.  I have such a big heart and love for children.  

However, I never knew what it entailed.  

When in school and trying to decide what I would be when I grew up, I said "a pediatrician."  In fact, I followed a pediatrician around as part of career day at school. I loved every minute of it. 

As time and life would have it, I became interested in other things. Like wanting to be a Marine Biologist, just so I could swim with dolphins.  Or, a veterinarian, so I could work with animals.  And then modeling and acting.  

Yes, I have wanted to model and act since about the 5th grade.  I could share many funny stories (and pictures) of our 'modeling and acting' moments back in the day.  Pretty funny stuff. 

Anyway, as time and life would have it.... 

I have been modeling and acting for the last 12 years of my life.  

But...

My love and passion for children NEVER was far behind on my heart and mind.  

I knew it was part of me, a piece of my life puzzle, that I would end up some how, some way, working with children.  And part of me knew it would most likely be in an hospital setting, but again, just couldn't get the details laid out in my head.  It was always something I felt inside. It was not something that I went after, and or said that I was going to do. It was always playing in my head and laying on my heart, and I didn't know why.  

I would try to listen to it and see if I was being told something. Only to find myself right back where I started, with just a flash of a vision, and a feeling inside.  

Do you ever find yourself stopping and taking a moment to look back on a year ago from the present? 

I personally have never been a person to do that, but I have noticed that I have been doing that more often, and today was one of those days. 

On my way home, while lost in thought and conversing with God, another piece of the puzzle fell into place.  

It was no accident that one year ago, April, that Morgan had a heart murmur and defect.  

It was no accident that the day my friend and pediatrician heard Morgan's heart defect and murmur, that he made a personal call to the pediatric cardiologist he wanted Morgan to be seen by.  

It was no accident, that very moment he was calling Dr. S. to discuss when he could see Morgan, that Dr. S. said that he is right down the street, bringing his little girl in to Dr. P. (the pediatrician) to look at her ear, that was in a lot of pain.  (ALL ON A SATURDAY!)

It was no accident, that a year later, I take Morgan into see Dr. S., only to be told that she was discharged.  That her heart defect and murmur where closed and gone.  I still get a smile on my face and a rush that through my body when I think of that moment and those words. "DISCHARGED!"  I am so thankful and give God all the praise.  

It was no accident that through all my curiosity and questioning of Morgan's heart to Dr. S. at what would be our last visit, that our conversation some how led to volunteer work with children, to photography and so forth.  

It was no mistake that Dr. S. took that conversation and then put me in touch with Dr. M. at Joe DiMaggio's Children's Hospital. 

And in which it was no accident, that I met with Dr. M. and his staff today. Getting the opportunity to tell him of two organizations that I feel God has placed on my heart to either be a part of, and or begin my own organization here in Fort Lauderdale, FL. similar to the two.  (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and Flashes of Hope) Only be told that neither of these organizations exist here in Fort Lauderdale Florida. 

It was no accident, that I started to really get serious and following my passion in photography...um.... one year ago, as well. 

It was no accident, that all of these things took one year to get to today, giving me the opportunity to work on and develop (self teaching) myself in photography. 

And, so here I am today.  

At Joe DiMaggio's Children's Hospital.  

It was no accident, that I kept having a voice say to me "take your camera, just in case." 

It was no accident, that when I arrived and met Dr. M. and Mrs. B.,  were excited that I did bring in my camera, while they hesitated on calling me or not, to ask me bring it.  

I wasn't going to bring it. After all it was simply just a meeting.  

It was no accident.  

Today friends, I had the privilege, honor and bittersweet opportunity to photograph my first session of two broken hearts. 

1) I photographed a beautiful baby boy, only four days old and weighing little under six pounds.  When looking at him, you would only see a handsome healthy baby boy.  Except, this little boy was alone in the hospital, while waiting for his heart to stop and for him to die.  I can't speak for his parents, for I do not judge, nor do I know their situation.  All I do know is that they left the hospital empty handed, and said they would not be back.  This little boy, I saw laying so tiny and sweet, all alone in a big hospital crib. Hooked up to machines, and simply waiting to die. His heart is broken, and can not be fixed. Today,  I was honored to photograph him for his family, and for the bulletin board in the hospital.  He will not leave and die alone, without leaving his foot and hand print in the hearts of mine, and the staff at JDCH.   

 

2)  I also had the privilege and honor to photograph a precious 11 day old baby girl.  She has a twin brother, in which is back home in another state, while she and their newly adopted parents were here while she had open heart surgery.  She was so tiny, sleeping so peacefully and her sad little body had been cut open all the way down from her neck to almost her belly button.  Her heart was also broken, but she was provided the opportunity to have hers surgically made whole again.  

One Boy, One Broken Heart..... ONE CHILD DYING.

One Girl, One Broken Heart..... ONE CHILD GOING HOME TO HER NEW PARENTS AND TWIN BROTHER.

All, another piece of the puzzle. 

The puzzle; being the PLAN, that God has already designed and created for me.  

While driving down the road, after photographing two different babies, two different broken hearts and two different endings.

I saw a flash of my future and a piece of my life's puzzle fall into place.....

And although I compare it to one year ago.  It was laid out before I ever took my first breath.

 

My God is an awesome God, and he continues to "woo" me. 

*NOTE* Out of respect and the privacy of both families, or until I get release forms from either family, I will not post pictures of the children at this time.  

However, to not leave you empty handed with a picture-less post, here is a foot from one baby and the hand from the other.  

And, I already received an email tonight, that the hospital is excited to have me aboard, and I have three other families to photograph next week.  

Thank you, God, for this day and for this new door that has opened for me.  I am honored to be serving you and helping others.  Thank you for this gift you have given me.

Rainy Days!