Thursday, January 14, 2010

will they know me in heaven?

Death is something that is all around us. Lately, I have felt that death is getting nearer to me in some way. I don't know in which way, but in some way. Maybe its that little bit of 'fear' that sneaks in me of losing something or someone so dear and near to me, like my children.

I read daily blogs and stories of families that are living among us with their hearts broken and dealing with the unimaginable pain of the loss of a child.

I have compassion. I have prayed so may times in my life for God to make me more like Him. To let me love, feel and care for others just has He would love, feel and care. He, I believe, has answered those prayers. When I read a story, or see first hand someone dealing with pain or the loss of a loved one. I don't just witness the situation and then go about my busy life. I feel the situation with them. My emotions will take my mind to 'that' place, and it will allow me to place myself in the shoes of another, getting a glimpse of what they must be experiencing.

With being able to take myself there emotionally, I feel it then gives me the ability to pray for these people in ways that some wouldn't think to pray for them.

I don't know.

I can't fully explain what I am trying to say. All I know is that I feel different. I feel like I have walked so many lives of other people. I have found myself awake in the middle of the night, with that feeling a panic, as a parent that just lost a child would feel. I have felt my heart race. I have felt my chest struggle to breath. I have felt so much pain just by other's painful experiences in life.

The other night I laid in bed. I had my eye mask on and Mark was next to me reading his book. He probably thought I was fast asleep, as I laid there in deep thought. When out of my mouth I spoke these words....

Me: "do you believe we will know each other in heaven?"

Mark: (His response was a moment of silence. Probably confused by the question out of no where or wondering if I am talking in my sleep. )

Then he replied: "no, I don't think we will."

Me: begin to silently cry.

Me: begin to not breath because I am trying to not let him know I am crying under my eye mask.

Me: can't control it anymore and I begin to weep out loud, still with eye mask on over eyes.

Mark: "honey, what's wrong?"

Me: "I didn't like that answer." (my cry just got ridiculous now.)

Mark: "I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that. I don't know the answers to that. I just think that we wouldn't know each other."

Me: "I don't like that answer."

Mark: "babe, what do I know? I could be wrong. Here let me look it up." (As he grabs his bible and start fumbling through the pages.)

Mark: "I just believe that our purpose when we get to heaven is to glorify God. Even if we don't know each other in heaven, it won't matter. You won't be sad about it. You will be thrilled to be in the presence of God. You wont' remember your life on earth."

Me: (not moving mask from face still.... wiping snot down my cheek.)

Mark: "reading some scripture...."

Me: (can't remember anything he read.)

Mark: "babe?"( as he continues to browse the bible.)

Me: finally getting a hold of myself a little "its okay, you can stop searching the bible."

Mark: "I don't think you will care not being married or knowing me in heaven....." (thinking I would be upset to not know him as my husband in heaven)

Me: (sort of getting annoyed now and a little cranky...expressed myself with a little deeper tone) "I don't care to be married to you in heaven!!!" (laughing now, but at the time, not so much.)

Mark: (his eyes opened wide and afraid to speak)

Me: "I just want my children to know that I am their mom in heaven. I just want to know my babies in heaven. Because if I don't know them in heaven, then it takes the joy of me being excited to go to heaven. I don't want to ever not know them or them not know or remember me. Why put all this effort into love, relationships and family if we can't even be together and know each other in heaven."

Mark: "I don't have the answers, honey."

Then I went to Nashville. Remember this post?

I spoke with Pete Wilson (a pastor friend in Nashville) about this topic with in the first hour of meeting him face to face. He said that he does believe we will know each other in heaven. He sent me several scriptures from the bible that he believes supports his thoughts about heaven.

Although, I will not post them all here. I am curious as to what you think about this topic? I know it can be a very sensitive topic. I know as a parent that has lost a child, this can be a very painful and scary topic. It is for me too.

I am excited to go to heaven. Its supposed to be this wonderful, joyful thing. The whole purpose of living out our purpose here on earth, so to live eternity in heaven. I never feared dying or going to heaven before. When I was young, single and with no children, I never feared at the thought of dying too soon.

Now that I have children, my heart is tied. My heart has two small people that look to me for their needs. Two little people that give me reason to wake up each day and breath. The two very beings that are gifts given to me (loaned even) by God here on earth.

So, the very thought of not knowing these gifts, these children in heaven or them not knowing me as their mother really struck a sensitive spot deep within my heart.

Although, I know there are no tears in heaven. What about those families that lost loved ones or a child way too soon? What about those parents that believe they will see their little baby again in heaven? Will they?

To not believe that would happen is almost unbearable to think of for me.

Why go through all this heartache, trial, pain and EMOTION, if you are not able to celebrate our imperfect lives here on earth, perfectly together in heaven? God speaks about restoring all things as it was meant to be on earth, in heaven. Pete (pastor friend) said "so that leaves me to also believe God means relationships and families will be restored perfectly in heaven as it was meant to be here on earth."

I like that answer better.

I have searched this question a little. I have found many scriptures and many opinions. I still don't know the answer and I think that I may never know until I am there.

Until then, I can only imagine and hope that my children will know me in heaven.

What do you think?

Will my children know me in heaven?

Will they know me as their mother?

Will we greet each other and worship Jesus together?

Will parents get to see their babies and hold them again in heaven?

Will I know YOU in heaven?

Will we sit at the feet of Jesus like children ourselves? His children?

Your thoughts?
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