Saturday, May 31, 2008

Sweet Luke- By: Angie

Sweet Baby Lukie (click HERE for full story)

(written on 5/30, posted on 5/31)

Today was one of the most difficult days of my life, but I can truly see the healing hands of God at work in all of us.  We spent about 4 1/2 hours at the funeral home together, making decisions about where to bury baby Luke (They have wisely decided to have him "held" here until they choose his final resting place).  This way, they can feel the Spirit's urging to go where ever they feel He is calling, and then have Lukie join them there.

I was blessed to be able to see him today, and he looked so beautiful.  He just looked like a healthy, strong, big boy, ready to take on the world.  I had been worried about what that moment would feel like, looking at him in his little outfit in his tiny casket.  I felt great peace as soon as I walked into the parlor...he looked like himself to me, and that was a great comfort.  I ruffled his little hair up and talked to him for a few minutes about how much he was loved.  I held his hands and squeezed his little roly-poly thighs.  As everyone who had come to the funeral home made their way up to him, cries echoed throughout the room.  There were only a few of us, but we each spent time alone with sweet Luke. 

Often times the guttural, aching sounds gave way to hushed prayer, and I realized that this is the mark of the believer in this horrifying moment.  "Lord, I am empty, I am angry.  I want it to be different.  You could bring him back right this second if you so chose...but, it feels like for reasons we do not understand, you have chosen this instead....and so, we come humbly, barefoot, with our heads bowed, and we just ask for you to help us survive this grief."  

If we didn't need Him so much, we would all be tempted to turn our backs, I'm sure.

Today, that feeling has predominated my thinking..."I need you, I trust you, but I feel like you have failed me by letting them go."  And then two breaths later, I am saying, "Oh Lord Jesus, come and mend.  Come and heal.  Only You can fix this disaster!"  What a strange balance.  At the end of the day it comes down to this, and for years, when I have been faced with any difficult situations, minor or major, I have told Todd that I have heard God said to me: 

Either you do or you don't.

I can't tell you how many times He has made it that simple.  Either you believe in Me, or you don't.  There is no grey.  

And so today, locked in the embrace of my sweet sister-in-law, standing in front of her son's casket, I had to answer...I do.

Nicol and I still bear wounds from our surgeries, and we have no babies to make the pain feel worth it....Lord, I do.

Nicol sang at Audrey's funeral while holding Luke...that image has brought tears to my eyes, none of us knowing what was ahead.....I do.

I stared at his sweet face, and I kept wondering in my head, "What is she doing up there Luke? Tell me what she is like...who she is....what she loves..."  I do.

There are no words to express what my eyes have seen today, I feel that even attempting it would be a disservice. It was holiness I have rarely experienced, and I am grateful, so grateful to my Lord, Who loves us enough to make Himself known.

I know that for some of you, it may seem that "luck" is not on our side as a family, that we are victims of chance.  I want you to hear me say this loud and clear.

God Himself chose this to happen. Trust me, that is not the easiest sentence I have ever written, because I am human, and I am a grieving mother. I know that none of this is a surprise to Him. That doesn't mean we don't feel every bit of the loss, or that we just go about our lives because it's all okay now.  It just means that we are steady in the belief that God knows what we don't, and none of this changes Who He is.  None of it.

I am sure that people who do not trust in the Lord will be tempted to ask why such a great God would let us suffer so much. I am not going to pretend that I don't ask that myself sometimes, but I will tell you this, and it has made all the difference.  

I ask Him.  

I don't let myself "reason" through it, because I can't.  I don't let my anger fester too long, or I will, in my own weakness, crumble into nothingness.  I just cry out to Him and tell Him that I don't understand, that I am angry, that I want answers.  I want to know why.  And He gives me momentary peace, and reminds me of the two words that drift around us we mourn.  

We do.

Luke's memorial service is set for Monday at 3 pm.  Details will be posted when I have all of the information, but visitors are welcome.  

In the meantime, please keep praying.  And know that they are reaching us...not one of them is in vain.  Thank you,


Friday, May 30, 2008

Monday - Is it really just another day?

As we go to work, or send our children to school on Monday or even prepare for the summer break....... this family will be facing one of the hardest days in their lives.  A day that will never be forgotten.  Tonight as I read the update on this family I started to write an email to send it out, but instead I figured I would post a blog because an email can be quickly typed and sent on it's way and soon to be forgotten the words I write and read in front of me, but when written in a blog it will be there for however long I choose to leave it there as a constant reminder to cherish each and every single day.  Not just cherish next Monday.... but to cherish today, tomorrow, the next day and the next day and every day with my family. 

As I attend my sons second playoff baseball game on Monday, this family will never see their son throw a ball or swing a bat.  As I take my son to a fancy birthday party at Morton's Steakhouse on Sunday, this family will never see their sons first birthday.  As I kiss on my little daughter and rock her to sleep (for the 100th time) tonight, this family will never hold their child again.  

I simply can't express the pain I feel daily thinking of not only this family, but many families and many children that experience this tragedy. I hold my daughter harder and longer because of this pain I feel for these losses.  I remind myself to be more patient with my son even when I have to tell him for the 12th time to do something or clean the toilet when I just reminded him yesterday to not be sloppy when going to the bathroom.  When I read stories like these 3 families you can read from this one ladies blog (Audrey Caroline), I think to myself how blessed I am to have a messy toilet to clean up from time to time or an extra bed in the house to make up each morning after he is off to school.  I am so blessed.  I can't seem to express that clear enough in my words on this blog.... I AM SOOOOOOO BLESSED!!!!!!!!

Tonight I will pray for the pain that this family is feeling to be soften and comforted by God so that they may rest well tonight and gather up the strength to get through these next few days and months.  On Monday I want to remember and be reminded that is isn't just another day.  It is a day for some a time of heartache and sadness and loss.  Monday is a special day for all of us no matter what God's plan if for us this day.  Its a day to cherish and be thankful and love those you love just a little bit more.

To read more on LUKE.... please click on "Audrey Caroline" down on the right of my blog. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful, wonderful weekend.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Fun Pics

A swaddled baby is a happy baby!!!

My little owl friend again just haggin out

Notice the shirt with the expression!!

Can anyone see Morgan??? Where is she?

I love falling asleep in my swing now. (of course with it locked, I am getting ready to take her out) :)

Baby Dedication May 17, 2008


What an amazing turn out we had with our friends for Morgan's 'Baby Dedication' this Saturday.  Thank you all for taking the time out of your busy lives and schedules to come and share this event with us.  

Morgan was amazing.  She slept until we got there, just before it was time to go in front of the church she did a big poop (Go Morgan!) and then once out there she was awake and alert for the whole world to see.  

She was presented with her very first children's bible and a lullaby CD.  While mommy was given a beautiful red rose.  What a great time to celebrate my little bundle of love and show her off.  

Thank you God for a wonderful and blessed filled weekend.  Thank you for this gift in my life, my little Morgan, my little girl.  Amen.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

1-Month old Yesterday and 1st boo-boo

Morgan inside her sling while attending Hunter's assembly at school Friday.  She loves it!!!

We also stopped by to say hi to daddy and all his co-workers at the office. 

My little girl turn a whole month old yesterday.  :( 

She had her doctor's check-up as well and was a very big and brave girl.  First of all they wanted a urine sample so they took this plastic bag that had sticky stuff on the top opening of it and stuck it.... (well there where you collect "urine").  It was surely a funny sight to see this on my little angel.

Then they measured her height (21 1/2), her head (forgot) and weight (9 lbs 9 oz). As of now she is in the 75 percentile of height and just a little under 75 percentile in weight.  She is growing perfectly.  The pediatrician listened carefully to her heart again and still does not hear the murmur and says he wouldn't be surprised if it has closed by now.  

What we didn't know going into the doctors today was that she would have to get her first shot.  It was so sad to watch.  As I held her arms and talked to her and as the needle makes it's way through her flesh in her right thigh.  She blinks as to think about what it was she just felt before letting out the biggest cry ever to the point where she couldn't catch her breath.  I pick her up and sooth her and with in 30 seconds she's fine and looking very cute with her bugs bunny band-aid. 

Oh and we also learned that my little girl is in fact colic.   For she is perfect and calm all hours of a full day except for the hours of 9-12 pm at night. So we switched her to a new formula Enfamil LIPIL (Nutramigen).  WOW, is this stuff expensive!!!  I have to say though that in 4 days I have seen a big difference in her.  

We also watched this video called "The Happiest Baby on the Block" in which I posted a picture to the right of my blog.  It talks about the five S's to calming down any baby.  I was one of the parents that thought my child didn't like to be swaddled, but last night we tried 3 of the 5 S's, swaddling, laying her on her side and swinging.  Guess what? My daughter went right to sleep last night at 9:00 pm (the first for her) and slept all night, only to wake every 3- 4 hours to eat.  WOW!!! Each time I got up to feed her, after a burp, I would swaddle her back up, put her on her side and swing her in my arms. She had never fallen asleep so fast.  I have to say I am impressed. are some pictures of her first boo-boo!!! 

Mother's Day pictures (cont'd)

Happy Mother's Day to ME!!!

I had the best mother's day ever yet this year.  I got to spend the day with my two favorite little people (Hunter and Morgan).  Actually I got to spend the day with all my favorite people, my two kitty's, my husband and my kiddos.  Gosh that still sounds weird to hear the plural part of kiddo's.  Yes I have two children, but it just seems like a dream.  I am so blessed man!!!

First Hunter came home on Friday after I attended his assembly at school in the morning.  He was awarded "Citizen of the Week" award.  (will post pics soon)  Once I got home he gave me a present with a card that he made at school for me.  It was a very pretty and sweet card and my gift was a hand painted picture frame, in which the artiest he is painted a picture of Hunter and mommy in it.  Its beautiful and I love it very much.  Also note the beautiful hand colored of the wrapping.

Sunday morning my day started out with my husband actually taking both morning feedings with Morgan.  SWEEEETTTT!!!   So I got in a couple more hours of much needed sleep.  Then he made me a HUGE breakfast.  After that we went to Hunter's hockey game and then invited some friends over to the pool and ordered some pizza.  Then he gave me cards from the kids, himself and a gift receipt for a "SPA DAY".  SWEEETTTT!!!! (again) 

During the day I got Happy Mother's Day text from a ton of awesome friends and a flower delivery from my husband.  I also got a card from my parents and flowers from Marks parents.  So I started my little collection of mother's day gifts on the counter so that I could take pictures of it all.  

Although the plan was to at some point get a picture of my entire family together on this day, with the baby, the plans, the activies.... it just got too hectic.  So Mark was able to get at least one picture of me and both my kids at some point before the day came to a full end.  

Thursday, May 8, 2008

My own real life baby doll!!!

Morgan's very own baby-doll look-a-like!!!!

The cutest little bum ever.... (next to Hunter's of course).

She loves her bath time! 

Finally a picture of a little mommy time!
We fell asleep on the couch together for 2 hours one day!  Sweet! 

Related Posts with Thumbnails