Tuesday, February 16, 2010

catching my breath

Today I wrote a post just sort of vented and let it out. And then I hit 'save now' button.
All I do know is, as I speak to my son about the difference in 'changes' and 'hard times' .... I feel like I could explode and just shout it out to everyone what I am going through. But I don't and I can't.

I simply just tell myself to stop and catch my breath.

So I inhale.... (now you are inhaling too, I can hear you all the way over here.) *smiling*

I am going through both 'changes' and 'hard times' and my emotions are all over the place. One minute I feel strong and convinced I am and have done the right thing. The next ....

I stop and try to catch my breath.

Because the anxiety of it all can be so overwhelming, so frighting and just plain heart wrenching.

If I don't catch my breath, I feel like I could just crumble to the ground with my weak knees and mop the floor with all the tears that are just on the edge of bursting out of my eyes.

So I stop to catch my breath. Trying to keep myself together.

Thankfully my kids have kept me so busy lately that I can often go hours without thinking about these changes and hard times. It's those moments when I walk into the house after dropping them off at school or late at night when they are asleep, that I allow myself to think.

There are moments I feel so disappointed, depressed and uncertain. Its amazing the conversations that go on in your mind during times like these. Sometime I wonder if its satan having his own two-way conversation in my head. Toying with my every thought. Back and forth, back and forth. I just want to put a pillow over my head and drown out the sounds.

I stop and catch my breath.


There are moments I stop and I just allow myself to cry. Cry so hard that I have to stop and catch my breath.

I wipe my tears, I pick myself off the ground and have a small pep talk with myself. Well, I pray too, but my prayers keep drifting lately. As I begin to speak with God and or just pray, before I am finished my mind has already been interrupted and drifted off to something else. But I know God is here and he knows my thoughts and prayers. Thankfully he is the master of patience, or I would be in timeout all the time.

I catch my breath and then feel better and ready to keep marching forward.

These days I try to find balance in my these changes, and also peace. I am constantly thanking God. Although, I am heartbroken, disappointed and even confused. I know GOD does have a plan and a purpose for my life. I will never not believe that and I will never stop saying that, because I truly believe it.

I may be in a low right now, but when you are low, that only means there is going to be a high. Even if that high takes its sweet little time to appear. I know Ill appreciate it that much more.

Tonight was the first night of baseball practice. The weather is still really chilly. I like it that its keeping the bugs away and the air smells crisp and fresh. At the same time, I am over it and I just want the sun to be out and I want to feel the warmth on my face.

While rocking Morgan to sleep tonight, I had a vision of both my kids getting married. I stopped and wondered what life will be like then for them and their parents. Will we all be here? Will I be here? Will their dads be here? Will each of them be in each others wedding as a groomsmen or a bridesmaid?

With that moment of imaging my kids wedding .... I just squeezed my little girl, and realized I was holding my breath.

I had to remind myself that she is still only 22 months old as of Valentines Day and then...

I was able to catch my breath.

This is how I found Hunter and our cat Milo sleeping the other day. Head to head. Super sweet. And yes that is his yellow blanket (what's left of it anyways) that my sweet boy still sleeps with every night.


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