Friday, March 27, 2009

It's been a hard week....

This is a sad post....not a happy one, so if you are overwhelmed with sad stories, I suggest you move to the next blog for today.  God Bless. 

Not so much a hard week personally for me.  It's been a hard week in life and death, thats around me this week.  Its been very emotionally difficult for me, but this post isn't about me.  I am going to simply write to release some of my built up emotions that need to be released, and probably what has been causing me to have some serious headaches the last 3 days.  If you knew me, I am not one to ever get headaches. In fact, I hardly get them that I have a bottle of Tylenol that will last me, well lets just say a long time.  However, I have had some really painful headache that can't see to go away for two days.  Its so not like me. 

I haven't been blogging for two reasons.  One I have been sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for every single twitter update and or post on Stellan. I was giving regular updates, but I figured by now that anyone that sees my post can click and visit MckMama's blog for updates. I have been anxious and optimistic all at once these last few days.  I am not one that can handle the "not knowing" of things all that well. My mind, and I try to not let it, always tends to think (and vision) the absolute worst possible scenario.  I know its so bad to do that, but I feel as though that my mind prepares itself for the possible worst thing that could happen, and then if the worst doesn't happen, then I am that much more thankful and appreciative.  

Tonight, however I finally broke down and lost it.  I thought I had been doing fairly well with all the sadness around me this week.  Deep inside I think I tell myself to not fall into the deep emotions of it all, that I so can easily do.  All for the sake of not annoying my husband with having to come home and hear me talk about death or sitting at my computer crying over someone I never knew.  Lately, I find myself getting a hold of myself, cleaning up my act so to speak,  soon before Mark gets home from work. I can put on my happy face and not show him I have gotten emotionally involved in yet another sad story of a sick baby or a baby that has been lost.  I even tried to stay away from reading other blogs this week other than keeping the update on Stellan.  

Tonight, we went over to some friends to watch Syracuse get their butts kicked.  On the way home Morgan seemed to be feeling warm, as if maybe a fever is approaching her.  So I get her in her pj's and rock her to sleep, holding her a little extra longer before putting her to bed.  So peaceful and so thankful of my little girl.  

Then I thought I would get on and check on my babies....I say 'my' babies, because I really am concerned for them.  You see their blog buttons in the prayer scroll to the left of my blog here.  I check and pray for them every single day.  Tonight I get on to read a VERY frightening and unbelievable heartbreaking story.  If you are trying to stay away from these types of stories, post, news etc.  I urge you to move on to the next blog tonight, because this is a post about life, death and faith. The sad side of it. 

Tonight, I read of a family who have five beautiful children, 4 boys and 1 little princess.  They recently lost their youngest boy, of eight months old, named Sage.  He was found not breathing in his crib last Thursday morning, as the father went in to wake him to get him ready for their day.  The father did CPR on him until the medics arrived, only to be told he was gone.  They brought the little boy down stairs to be held by the family one last time.  That is painful to write as it is to hear, as it is to think about.  ONE LAST TIME! I can't stand it.  I normally don't allow myself to ask God why, because I know we do not have the right to ask him why.  We are the clay, he is the potterer and we are to be thankful for it all.  I believe that, I respect that and I try my best to accept that.  However, sometimes, it just doesn't make sense.  Its painful, it hurts and it's so unbelievably confusing.  The thought of losing YOUR child.  Watch your child go through a sickness that will take their life away too soon. Or a situation as this family, to wake for a normal routine part of their day, only to have that 'normal' be shattered and ripped right out from under them. 

Tonight, I sit at my computer and my head feels as though I am either going to passout or explode, because I am trying my hardest to hold back my tears. Not just tears from the little bit of over flow of my eyes, but tears because I am bawling.  I trying to not breath, because I know once I take a full breath, my crying episode will be given away to my husband who is sitting on the couch enjoying a movie, and that's all he wants to think about now.  He is tired of hearing me talk and be sad over all this sadness. I don't blame him. 

I spoke with my mom yesterday, checking in on her, for she attended a funeral today, for the death of her friend.  My mom is a strong beautiful lady, and in truth I realize I haven't talked about my family (out side of MY family here in this house) on my blog.  I don't know why that is, and I feel bad just realizing that.  There is so much I can share about all my family, my siblings and my nieces and nephews.  Ill have to save that for future post.  As my mom and I are talking, we began to talk about life and just how quick it can be taken away.  Sometimes, I think we often forget just how human we are.  That we are walking and breathing beings. We are disposable and fragile.  Life is precious, and to be valued as so. 

Tonight, I just feel overwhelmed, full of sadness and burdened.  I feel the energy in the air seems to be feeling stressful, depressing, crazy, confusing, frightening, sad and a bit hard.  People everywhere losing their jobs, their homes and loved ones. I don't watch TV (of any kind other than Morgan's disney channels), listen to the news, or read the news.  I try to distance myself from all of that.  I have said this before, and I will say it again....  It appears that even being online reading blogs is getting to be just as hard.  As my husband said, having so many blogs that I follower, and so many that follow my own blog.  I am bound to hear a said heartbreaking story like this one here tonight, EVERY SINGLE DAY.  That is truth and fact, but something that just doesn't seem to AS REAL if its not in my view.  I don't read about it, I don't hear about it and I don't have pictures to have visions of it...then I have a chance to make it through my day with out feeling so much pain, heartache and shedding of tears.  

Back to my mom for a minute. She started to share with stories of when we were little and how she also had to be one to try to stay away from such stories and news, because it would be so painful to her, without ever knowing people involved in the stories.  My mom and I are just made to be very compassionate, carrying and sensitive people.  We take this stuff to heart, so deep it hurts to the core.  Our emotions tend to react as if we are the ones going through such heartache.  We can't explain it, we can't control it, and we can't deny it. Its very real to us, and very painful. Then to think or know that this pain or heartache we are facing, hurts to know that we aren't even scratching the surface as those who are actually going through the stuff, must be feeling.  That breaks my heart. 

I asked God tonight, as I quietly got up and made my way to the bathroom to let my bawling session out, before my ears started to bleed.  Keeping it as low key as possible for my husband, almost as if I am afraid he would ground me from my blog reading, because of how it affects me. I then go in and check on Morgan to make sure she isn't running a fever.  I stay a little longer, placing my hand on her, feeling her breath.  Thoughts run through my head, the thought of not seeing her in that crib, unthinkable or what the "what if's" could happen as soon as I walk out of her room.  Then other thoughts run through, and I wonder if there is anything running through her body, that is going to pop up one day and take her life.  I just start praying, and thanking God for my blessings, but thanking him in away like its almost a pleading kind of thanks. To please protect her and let her live a long healthy life.  I know He has big plans for her, I feel it, but then what if thats just me being a mom not wanting to go through what so many others moms already have.  

Now I know some will want to write comments, telling me that things happen for reasons and so much good can come from it and even bring so many new believers to Christ.  I understand that, I get that and I appreciate that.  However, it doesn't make it any easier for super sensitive people like myself, or those that are going through the loss.  The loss of A CHILD mind you. Its so painful, that its amazing that the body can even get up and get through another step or breath, after your heart has been ripped right out of your chest.  To deal with the loss of a child, but then having to remain strong enough to help your other young children, trying to help them even understand what just happened to their baby sibling. Its a cross to carry that just seems way too heavy to even think about.  

I am just sad tonight, this week and I feel I have to distance myself from this, because I am one to take it too deep and too close to my own heart, that I will start to feel depressed and sadden. Its not fair to my own children and family to deal with a crabby mommy, because she is not able to read a sad story and fall apart. Because to me, its not a STORY, its real, VERY real.  Painfully real! And knowing that, sometimes, I feel guilty to be so blessed, while others go through such tragedy. I struggle to find that balance.  That balance to be compassionate for others, and serving to others, without becoming overwhelmed, depressed and obsessed with fear or worry over my own blessings, and children's health.  

My mom lost a friend.  My mom attended the funeral of her friend today.  I am sad for the pain and heartache my mom is experiencing today, this week and the days to come ahead of her.  To not have her friend to walk through her door, coming over for a visit, providing her company during her days.  That breaks my heart. I wish I was there to comfort my mom.  My heart aches for the husband, a man that is my fathers childhood friend.  A man that I have known all my life.  He just lost his wife, his friend and partner.  Im sad over that.  

And then Stellan, and the other beautiful babies I pray for.  Oh how it all breaks my heart. 

To this family here.... this photo is not going to be an easy one to look at.  I only post it, because I am one that doesn't like to sugar coat anything.  I want this picture to provide and to REMIND us that God, I believe, wants us to hurt and care for others.  It gives me a little bit of a better understanding of how Jesus felt and feels about all of us, His own children. I really believe he hurts and weeps and cares just as deep, .... actually more.

This picture is the last time in which these two families will ever hold their eight-month, and youngest child, Sage.  This picture was taken in their home, just before the medics took him away.  Thinking of that moment brings such anxiety to me.  The thought of this moment when a child dies, and is taken away from the parents for the last time.  Seems to be the hardest thing for me to think about, that I seriously feel anxiety over it. Almost a moment of a panic attack. Where I have to take deep breaths, or I could forget to breath altogether. I can't imagine, walking away, watching or even letting go of my child... to be taken away from me, for the rest of my life on this earth. Tonight, I just cried and asked God why. 

You can see how much pain his parents are in. The tears dripping down to the tip of the fathers nose. Baby Sage starting to loose color in his body.  A little boy, very much loved, is lying in his parents arms, dead.  He isn't sleeping, he is gone. How are parents to survive that, and why did it have to happen? 

Their Blog click HERE

I have some thoughts on it, and I thought of a post to write the other day while outside on my date with God. I want to write it when I have all my thoughts together and my verses from the bible I read the other day organized.  On why I believe this had to happen....other than it being just part of our fallen world. 

Please take a moment and pray, asking God the following.  

1.  Pray that God protects Stellan's heart for another day.  I just got a twitter update from MckMama as I write this.  She was able to give Stellan a nice sponge bath, under a heat lamp and he loved it.  He is sleeping now, but his heart is back up above 200 bpm.  Please pray for Gods protection on his little heart.

2.   Pray for Jonah, that they find a way to protect him from having so much pain during his bandage change.  That they can find out what is wrong with his skin and can provide him with the care to help him and protect him.

3.  For Ryan, as the doctors and family figure out the next step in this little boys heart.

4.  Pray for Bentley as she prepares for her open heart surgery.  

5.  Pray for Abby - 

6. Pray for Kayleigh

7.  Pray for Sage's family.

8. Pray for my mom and dad, and their friends. 

9.  And many, many others... and while I am here, I ask you to start praying for Morgan (MY MORGAN).  We are approaching her one-year birthday and are so excited about it.  I have so much to share about this.  However, it also means we are also approaching a year, as she goes back in for another echo-exam on her heart murmur to see how it is doing.  Please pray that it is going away and or staying innocent and will continue to be nothing more. Here she was at only 3 weeks old getting her echocardiogram done. 

If you are still reading this, thank you for being supportive and if anything simply listening reading what I have to say.  

Please go give your children and loved ones a big hug and kiss, and let them know how much you value you and love them.  I am going to do that myself and go take some more Tylenol before heading off to bed.  

God Bless Friends.

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