God so knows me and I so love Him for it!
I posted a week or so ago that I was invited to shoot an episode or two of 'Get Out!', this travel show that my old roommate and I use to host together for a couple of years, on HD Net. I was really excited about it for many reasons.
1. I love to travel and this trip would be taking me to Tahiti. A really cool place I have never been to.
2. I love extreme stuff and that is what Get Out show is about, fun and often times extreme stuff to do while visiting other cities and countries.
3. I would have my FIRST child free weekend in ages that I often feel I so desperately need.
4. I get to see my old roommate and friend Lindsay, old directors and have some fun.
Well, once they confirmed I would be going, purchased my flight and gave me the dates.... all I had to do was show up.
Having been in Chicago this past weekend for Hunter's hockey tournament, which I traveled alone with both kids. It was fun but VERY exhausting on me, physically and mentally. Poor baby girl in the freezing cold, became a rink-rat. She was either being held or forced to sit in the stroller for long hours of the day. She was such an amazing trooper with it too. However, just trying to keep her entertained, fed, warm and cheering on Hunter in the intense hockey games.... it takes it toll on you doing that for 3 straight days. Plus not getting to sleep as sound or much as you need to. Morgan actually ended up sleeping right next to me this weekend, for she would wake up several times in the playpen, so I gave up and put her next to me where she slept like a baby.
Traveling home Monday evening, just feeling completely and totally spent. I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed about this upcoming weekend, when I am to fly to Tahiti. I felt tired and the thought of unpacking and repacking for another trip just didn't float my boat. Then the thought of leaving Morgan for that many days and or being away from her, was killing me. I thought I was ready, and I told myself I was ready, but I don't think I am. She (as well as I) have never been apart from each other and that is a serious attachment. Plus, I felt frustrated that I hadn't had the chance to tan. If you do not know the show Get Out, it is a guy audience kind of sports show, and we the host (girls) are almost always in bikinis. I was told that one of the shoots I would be doing would be a swimsuit shoot. Sort of like the Sports Illustrated, photo shoot for the show. At first I thought, okay... I can do that. Then after thinking about it, I realized I was by far the oldest girl there by at least 5 years and the only mother. Although flattered they think I am fit to do such a shoot, what the heck was I thinking? I am not that girl anymore. It is hard enough to watch yourself age in the spotlight, in photos and realizing that no photo shoot I ever take from here on out, will ever look as good as they use to. That is all good stuff, because that means I am healthy, living a good life, but at the same time isn't always easy.
I thought about it a lot, and it isn't like I was feeling insecure about being in a bikini, because for just having a baby 10 months ago, and having two kids come out of this body... I say I am doing just fine here in this body of mine. However, I was feeling unprepared to be in bikinis next to these young girls who have all the time on their hands to work out, tan and have age and time in their favor of not ever having produced offspring from themselves yet. I then began to realize, this is not what I want to be a part of anymore. I LOVE acting, being on TV, in the spotlight and yes, I will admit, I do enjoy the limelight often too. I love it because the energy I get from it all, not necessarily because of the attention. I am not attention starved by any means. I feed off energy. That is why I love to be on sets of any kind shooting commercials, music videos, TV and film...whatever, just put me on the set.
I, for most of my 13 year career as a model and actress have been known as that "blonde bikini girl". I get called for the sexy stuff, the bikini stuff and for the most part, its all I have known. I know how to rock the camera when they need someone to be comfortable in their own skin and be sexy for the camera. I have done Miller Lite ads, Australian Gold tanning lotions.... and many, many others things that required the sexy blonde girl in a bikini. It sounds a bit conceded but it is what it is, the truth.
I am now x-years old now. I do not want to be that bikini girl anymore. I want to accept my new roles as the more classic beauty mom girl. I want to represent myself in ways that I can be proud of and that my family and friends can be proud to show off to their friends. Not that I am embarrassed or ashamed of the bikini stuff, because I am not. I am just not that girl anymore. However, its been a hard transition for me, because when I see myself in new photos looking more sophisticated and mature, I tend to not like the images. I think its because they are not "pretty" in the kind of "pretty" way that I am use to, and have known for the last 13 years. Does that make sense? I am not use to seeing myself in this way. I am doing my best though to accept it with a smile and be thankful for the years I was blessed to do those roles and shoots in the past, and thankful I can be considered still one to do those shoots, but now feel confident enough to turn them down and take on more age appropriate bookings.
Anyways, getting to the point. I have been stressing over this because in truth I wanted to go to Tahit. However, I just wasn't feeling the whole idea of shooting a bikini shoot for Get Out, rolling around in the sand on camera and trying to be those young girls anymore. I didn't want to leave my family either. However, I had already committed to going and I felt 'stuck'.
God being AMAZINGLY good as he always is to me, came to my rescue. Get this....
1. I get a text from my friend Pat, that I have mentioned on here before. She use to clean my house and is in a really awful custody battle with her ex-husband. Her daughter Sarah is in the custody of the state right now because of claims against one another (Pat and Husband etc.). She has me being subpoena to appear in court on Monday of next week. The time I would be in Tahiti. As it turns out that once you are subpoenaed you must appear, regardless of your plans to travel or not. Whoa! What timing!
2. The sitter I had arranged to stay with Morgan during the hours Mark would be at work, text me, to tell me that she can no longer attend to Morgan, because she was called in to work at the school she subs for. I thought I had confirmed her for my days I needed her, but she thought I was getting back with her, never heard from me and so she took the other job instead. A huge communicating error, that was meant to be.
So as of yesterday, I canceled my trip to Tahiti and already a huge weight has been lifted off my back. Part of me feels a little disappointed about not getting to travel to Tahiti, and getting a weekend away to enjoy some free time for myself, but at the end of the day, none of that matters. If Get Out ever invites me back again in the future, maybe it will be better timing and I can make it, but if not, it is not what is important to me. My family, my 10 month old daughter are way more important than that.
I look forward to watching my son in a double-header on Sunday and maybe, just maybe the weather will allow for me to lay out for an hour and get some much needed rays on this white body of mine. I am looking forward to the weekend with my family. Plus, I have two families that want me to shoot their kiddos and I feel way behind on my shoots, photos processing and photo albums. I need to get busy.
So to leave you with something cute...... this is the picture I took of Morgan on our last day in Chicago. This picture is SOOC, and just beautiful. Ill post other pictures from Chicago soon...you know, once I get done with the zoo photos, the baby shower photos, the father-daughter dance photos, the birth photos, Christmas photos, cruise photos....then Ill get the Chicago pictures up. LOL
Goodness, maybe one day I will catch up. I only need about 48 straight hours of none interruptions to get them done. It isn't easy trying to work on editing photos, when you have an active 10 month old pulling at your pant legs or biting your toes. Yes she bites my toes and I have a picture to prove it, but that will have to be after the Chicago pictures, so it may be awhile. LOL
Anyways.... I better get some laundry done. Man, I am one blessed wife, mama and woman.
Butterfly the Eskimo