Friday, March 27, 2009

It's been a hard week....

This is a sad post....not a happy one, so if you are overwhelmed with sad stories, I suggest you move to the next blog for today.  God Bless. 

Not so much a hard week personally for me.  It's been a hard week in life and death, thats around me this week.  Its been very emotionally difficult for me, but this post isn't about me.  I am going to simply write to release some of my built up emotions that need to be released, and probably what has been causing me to have some serious headaches the last 3 days.  If you knew me, I am not one to ever get headaches. In fact, I hardly get them that I have a bottle of Tylenol that will last me, well lets just say a long time.  However, I have had some really painful headache that can't see to go away for two days.  Its so not like me. 

I haven't been blogging for two reasons.  One I have been sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for every single twitter update and or post on Stellan. I was giving regular updates, but I figured by now that anyone that sees my post can click and visit MckMama's blog for updates. I have been anxious and optimistic all at once these last few days.  I am not one that can handle the "not knowing" of things all that well. My mind, and I try to not let it, always tends to think (and vision) the absolute worst possible scenario.  I know its so bad to do that, but I feel as though that my mind prepares itself for the possible worst thing that could happen, and then if the worst doesn't happen, then I am that much more thankful and appreciative.  

Tonight, however I finally broke down and lost it.  I thought I had been doing fairly well with all the sadness around me this week.  Deep inside I think I tell myself to not fall into the deep emotions of it all, that I so can easily do.  All for the sake of not annoying my husband with having to come home and hear me talk about death or sitting at my computer crying over someone I never knew.  Lately, I find myself getting a hold of myself, cleaning up my act so to speak,  soon before Mark gets home from work. I can put on my happy face and not show him I have gotten emotionally involved in yet another sad story of a sick baby or a baby that has been lost.  I even tried to stay away from reading other blogs this week other than keeping the update on Stellan.  

Tonight, we went over to some friends to watch Syracuse get their butts kicked.  On the way home Morgan seemed to be feeling warm, as if maybe a fever is approaching her.  So I get her in her pj's and rock her to sleep, holding her a little extra longer before putting her to bed.  So peaceful and so thankful of my little girl.  

Then I thought I would get on and check on my babies....I say 'my' babies, because I really am concerned for them.  You see their blog buttons in the prayer scroll to the left of my blog here.  I check and pray for them every single day.  Tonight I get on to read a VERY frightening and unbelievable heartbreaking story.  If you are trying to stay away from these types of stories, post, news etc.  I urge you to move on to the next blog tonight, because this is a post about life, death and faith. The sad side of it. 

Tonight, I read of a family who have five beautiful children, 4 boys and 1 little princess.  They recently lost their youngest boy, of eight months old, named Sage.  He was found not breathing in his crib last Thursday morning, as the father went in to wake him to get him ready for their day.  The father did CPR on him until the medics arrived, only to be told he was gone.  They brought the little boy down stairs to be held by the family one last time.  That is painful to write as it is to hear, as it is to think about.  ONE LAST TIME! I can't stand it.  I normally don't allow myself to ask God why, because I know we do not have the right to ask him why.  We are the clay, he is the potterer and we are to be thankful for it all.  I believe that, I respect that and I try my best to accept that.  However, sometimes, it just doesn't make sense.  Its painful, it hurts and it's so unbelievably confusing.  The thought of losing YOUR child.  Watch your child go through a sickness that will take their life away too soon. Or a situation as this family, to wake for a normal routine part of their day, only to have that 'normal' be shattered and ripped right out from under them. 

Tonight, I sit at my computer and my head feels as though I am either going to passout or explode, because I am trying my hardest to hold back my tears. Not just tears from the little bit of over flow of my eyes, but tears because I am bawling.  I trying to not breath, because I know once I take a full breath, my crying episode will be given away to my husband who is sitting on the couch enjoying a movie, and that's all he wants to think about now.  He is tired of hearing me talk and be sad over all this sadness. I don't blame him. 

I spoke with my mom yesterday, checking in on her, for she attended a funeral today, for the death of her friend.  My mom is a strong beautiful lady, and in truth I realize I haven't talked about my family (out side of MY family here in this house) on my blog.  I don't know why that is, and I feel bad just realizing that.  There is so much I can share about all my family, my siblings and my nieces and nephews.  Ill have to save that for future post.  As my mom and I are talking, we began to talk about life and just how quick it can be taken away.  Sometimes, I think we often forget just how human we are.  That we are walking and breathing beings. We are disposable and fragile.  Life is precious, and to be valued as so. 

Tonight, I just feel overwhelmed, full of sadness and burdened.  I feel the energy in the air seems to be feeling stressful, depressing, crazy, confusing, frightening, sad and a bit hard.  People everywhere losing their jobs, their homes and loved ones. I don't watch TV (of any kind other than Morgan's disney channels), listen to the news, or read the news.  I try to distance myself from all of that.  I have said this before, and I will say it again....  It appears that even being online reading blogs is getting to be just as hard.  As my husband said, having so many blogs that I follower, and so many that follow my own blog.  I am bound to hear a said heartbreaking story like this one here tonight, EVERY SINGLE DAY.  That is truth and fact, but something that just doesn't seem to AS REAL if its not in my view.  I don't read about it, I don't hear about it and I don't have pictures to have visions of it...then I have a chance to make it through my day with out feeling so much pain, heartache and shedding of tears.  

Back to my mom for a minute. She started to share with stories of when we were little and how she also had to be one to try to stay away from such stories and news, because it would be so painful to her, without ever knowing people involved in the stories.  My mom and I are just made to be very compassionate, carrying and sensitive people.  We take this stuff to heart, so deep it hurts to the core.  Our emotions tend to react as if we are the ones going through such heartache.  We can't explain it, we can't control it, and we can't deny it. Its very real to us, and very painful. Then to think or know that this pain or heartache we are facing, hurts to know that we aren't even scratching the surface as those who are actually going through the stuff, must be feeling.  That breaks my heart. 

I asked God tonight, as I quietly got up and made my way to the bathroom to let my bawling session out, before my ears started to bleed.  Keeping it as low key as possible for my husband, almost as if I am afraid he would ground me from my blog reading, because of how it affects me. I then go in and check on Morgan to make sure she isn't running a fever.  I stay a little longer, placing my hand on her, feeling her breath.  Thoughts run through my head, the thought of not seeing her in that crib, unthinkable or what the "what if's" could happen as soon as I walk out of her room.  Then other thoughts run through, and I wonder if there is anything running through her body, that is going to pop up one day and take her life.  I just start praying, and thanking God for my blessings, but thanking him in away like its almost a pleading kind of thanks. To please protect her and let her live a long healthy life.  I know He has big plans for her, I feel it, but then what if thats just me being a mom not wanting to go through what so many others moms already have.  

Now I know some will want to write comments, telling me that things happen for reasons and so much good can come from it and even bring so many new believers to Christ.  I understand that, I get that and I appreciate that.  However, it doesn't make it any easier for super sensitive people like myself, or those that are going through the loss.  The loss of A CHILD mind you. Its so painful, that its amazing that the body can even get up and get through another step or breath, after your heart has been ripped right out of your chest.  To deal with the loss of a child, but then having to remain strong enough to help your other young children, trying to help them even understand what just happened to their baby sibling. Its a cross to carry that just seems way too heavy to even think about.  

I am just sad tonight, this week and I feel I have to distance myself from this, because I am one to take it too deep and too close to my own heart, that I will start to feel depressed and sadden. Its not fair to my own children and family to deal with a crabby mommy, because she is not able to read a sad story and fall apart. Because to me, its not a STORY, its real, VERY real.  Painfully real! And knowing that, sometimes, I feel guilty to be so blessed, while others go through such tragedy. I struggle to find that balance.  That balance to be compassionate for others, and serving to others, without becoming overwhelmed, depressed and obsessed with fear or worry over my own blessings, and children's health.  

My mom lost a friend.  My mom attended the funeral of her friend today.  I am sad for the pain and heartache my mom is experiencing today, this week and the days to come ahead of her.  To not have her friend to walk through her door, coming over for a visit, providing her company during her days.  That breaks my heart. I wish I was there to comfort my mom.  My heart aches for the husband, a man that is my fathers childhood friend.  A man that I have known all my life.  He just lost his wife, his friend and partner.  Im sad over that.  

And then Stellan, and the other beautiful babies I pray for.  Oh how it all breaks my heart. 

To this family here.... this photo is not going to be an easy one to look at.  I only post it, because I am one that doesn't like to sugar coat anything.  I want this picture to provide and to REMIND us that God, I believe, wants us to hurt and care for others.  It gives me a little bit of a better understanding of how Jesus felt and feels about all of us, His own children. I really believe he hurts and weeps and cares just as deep, .... actually more.

This picture is the last time in which these two families will ever hold their eight-month, and youngest child, Sage.  This picture was taken in their home, just before the medics took him away.  Thinking of that moment brings such anxiety to me.  The thought of this moment when a child dies, and is taken away from the parents for the last time.  Seems to be the hardest thing for me to think about, that I seriously feel anxiety over it. Almost a moment of a panic attack. Where I have to take deep breaths, or I could forget to breath altogether. I can't imagine, walking away, watching or even letting go of my child... to be taken away from me, for the rest of my life on this earth. Tonight, I just cried and asked God why. 

You can see how much pain his parents are in. The tears dripping down to the tip of the fathers nose. Baby Sage starting to loose color in his body.  A little boy, very much loved, is lying in his parents arms, dead.  He isn't sleeping, he is gone. How are parents to survive that, and why did it have to happen? 

Their Blog click HERE

I have some thoughts on it, and I thought of a post to write the other day while outside on my date with God. I want to write it when I have all my thoughts together and my verses from the bible I read the other day organized.  On why I believe this had to happen....other than it being just part of our fallen world. 

Please take a moment and pray, asking God the following.  

1.  Pray that God protects Stellan's heart for another day.  I just got a twitter update from MckMama as I write this.  She was able to give Stellan a nice sponge bath, under a heat lamp and he loved it.  He is sleeping now, but his heart is back up above 200 bpm.  Please pray for Gods protection on his little heart.

2.   Pray for Jonah, that they find a way to protect him from having so much pain during his bandage change.  That they can find out what is wrong with his skin and can provide him with the care to help him and protect him.

3.  For Ryan, as the doctors and family figure out the next step in this little boys heart.

4.  Pray for Bentley as she prepares for her open heart surgery.  

5.  Pray for Abby - 

6. Pray for Kayleigh

7.  Pray for Sage's family.

8. Pray for my mom and dad, and their friends. 

9.  And many, many others... and while I am here, I ask you to start praying for Morgan (MY MORGAN).  We are approaching her one-year birthday and are so excited about it.  I have so much to share about this.  However, it also means we are also approaching a year, as she goes back in for another echo-exam on her heart murmur to see how it is doing.  Please pray that it is going away and or staying innocent and will continue to be nothing more. Here she was at only 3 weeks old getting her echocardiogram done. 


If you are still reading this, thank you for being supportive and if anything simply listening reading what I have to say.  

Please go give your children and loved ones a big hug and kiss, and let them know how much you value you and love them.  I am going to do that myself and go take some more Tylenol before heading off to bed.  

God Bless Friends.


16 Personal Thoughts:

C ♥ said...

can you post the link to sage's family's blog?

Crystal said...

I have a lot of the same feelings and emotions and I mean A LOT! I am also very sensitive, I do not have a strong bone in my body.. I PRAISE GOD every day for keeping Bentley healthy while we wait. I am so grateful for this. She is my "Saving Grace". But at the same time I too read and keep up with other sick children and their health and it scares me even more about Bentley. I for one never thought I would go through something like this, it was a HUGE shock for us but when I see some of these other children and what they are going through.. it's really hard because it just reminds me.. Bentley is not healthy, she appears healthy but her heart is sick and she is not going to survive without this surgery. It just reminds me of everything that can happen.. and when the surgery gets here the "unknown" part of it all. There are a million things that can go wrong.. so when it is so very hard for me to keep up with other sick babies/children but I can't help myself.. I want to be there for them.. I want to pray for them.. and anything and everything I can do to help. I am so thankful for the amount of love and support we have recived for Bentley.. all the prayers.. I am just amazed and SOOOO thankful for this. I have to do this for others. People do it for me, I have to help. Prayer sometimes seems so simple.. but to the person we are praying for it is HUGE. Just one person telling me they are praying for Bentley.. like you.. I just break down with happy tears. It makes my day.. it gives me so much more hope, faith, peace, and everything else. So I continue to read and stay updated on these other babies as well. I have to. It might be hard for me but I know they need it to get through everything they are going through. Sorry to go on about this.. I feel like I am writing a post and I am only commenting.. SORRY!

About Sage.. my heart aches and breaks for his family. That is always a fear as a parent. Or at least has been of mine. Now with Bentley it is even more.. because her heart condition is suppose to cause low oxygen level I am always watching.. watching closely. She sleeps right beside my bed in her pack and play because I cannot put her in her room because of this reason. I wake up too many times. It is such a scary fear for all and for it to become a reality for Sage's family.. it tears me up inside. I am praying for them. Praying hard! And yes that picture has me BAWLING!!

Thank you for sharing all the other stories I will stop and pray for them all now.

I have been praying for Morgan and that will continue for sure! Do you know when she will be having her echo?

Thanks for this post. I feel every bit of this.

Sending heart hugs and BIG prayers your way!!!

Crystal said...

I just read their blog (Sage's family) and it is heart breaking. Scrolling down looking at all their amazing happy family photos. It's so hard.. I am really bawling now.. tears and all! I too have the struggles with "why" I know I shouldn't and I feel so bad for thinking it.. but in some situations it's hard to not ask why.

daniella said...

You tender, precious girl. There are a VERY few people in this world like you....and it could use more of 'em. You are the epitome of what the Bible means when it talks about "Suffering with those who suffer..."

Even thogh (some of) these families don't know you personally, I can assure you that there'd be a tiny peice of their burden lifted away knowing that you care and pray so much for them. I trully believe that. We are to follow Christ's example, and if we can live such abundant lives because of His sacrifice, so can our brothers and sisters in Christ because of our prayers and pleading for them.

I'll be praying for Morgan. Know that He NEVER wants us to live in any kind of fear. His truth sets us free of any kind of captivity this fallen world brings us.

love you sweets!
d.

CIRCLE OF LIFE said...

awe you go girl. God made you a sweet caring women with a big heart, yeas it's hard sometimes that we feel that we need to hide our emotions from somw family vip members . hey the same thing here. when i think of stellan i cry lately i hurt thinking of the uin know, when i read her post of anger and being pissed i thought to myself this is excatly how i feel, when i look at my kids I pray and thank god But if I tell my Hubby oh i'm crying over another Sick, or dying babie yes i feel he will cut me lose from the blogging world. I justy know that God needs me to pray and be there for them and not to be so invested that I want to fly to mck mama now and be there for stellan , a complete stranger to him but I feel like he is a family memeber to me . I read his trials and trubatlations daliy , so yeah I'm invested, but we need not to harm ourselves with all the pain cause our father is taking care of that , he is our sheild like we are for our children, if they are sad we right away feel for them and try to help them out you know then if we need to rep our own kids 100 times for a good reason we are the ons after who did not wrong that are hurting right.


I can yell at rella then 20 min later feel bad for her and go hug and kiss her.

God gives and he takes away but he gave ous a caring heart to pray and be kind to others .

I told you about the homless ladty right , what sieze's to amaze me is that Rell was the one that wanted to hand her the bible with the vese in it to read and have that money withthe verse for a warm meal. I wasindeed taken back to see that poor women so close and that she was huirting and crying and praying for her body with a body coling book that some doc must of thrown away cause he past his bords no i'm not making fun it was a doc body party study kids a resends study book. and she was so in to it. I thought wow she loves this stuff may be she can be a doc huh. well rella is as cariung and good hearted as her mama was ok and said are you ok here is the book of God word he loves you sister. well i was waitng for her to tell her off nope she grsped it put it a side and said thanks then put it in her many bags that she has.


Ypou have gotten better and this is God's gift to you and he loves when you use it .

I value your friend ship and that we can have our girls day's together. out in real life away from our children for a brief moment . hugs and see ya tomorrow.

praying for your mom and family that today and yeaster go smooth and that she is alright . love

Tippa Glover said...

I admire your sensitive heart so much!

Stacy D said...

Misty,

Thank you so much for your caring heart and for your love for Jesus. I appreciate how much you really "get it"... the unbelievable pain that parents face when they lose a child... the fact that you recognize that some days even getting out of bed is amazing.

Thank you for the encouragement you have provided me these last several months. I appreciate it so much.

~ Stacy

Keri said...

Misty,
I love your sweet, compassionate heart. It is what makes you such a good friend. God is using you to intercede on the behalf of so many people and it is obviously painful for you right now.

One thing Beth Moore said in the Bible study I'm doing. Many times in the Bible God says "Take courage" which means He is offering it to you and you have to take it. Grab hold of that courage and keep loving, praying, and thinking about all these little ones. No matter what happens to them, one day in heaven you'll meet face to face and that family will thank you for investing in their lives.

blueviolet said...

Yes, I will pray and pray and pray. It's all we can do and I'm just grateful that it's something we CAN do.

Kristi J said...

I'm just so heartbroken reading about little Sage. I just can't imagine...

I understand exactly how you are feeling; it seems there are just so many sad stories, and it doesn't ever seem to end. My dh has expressed concern that I am reading blogs and getting myself so upset, even distraught, about tragedies of complete strangers. The thing is, as a child of God, how can I turn my back on someone in need of prayer because I want to save myself from being upset? And I can't just pray and then move on; I feel like I need to continue to pray until there is some "peace" about the situation. I know there is a point to which it is unhealthy getting too wrapped up in other people's situations, but I feel such a strong connection to some, such as little Stellan and MckMama whom I have been praying for ever since he was in the womb. It's really hard to hold such burdens on our shoulders, but I also know it is nothing compared to what the family going through it is feeling. I know that I, and it sounds like you are experiencing the same, am emotionally exhausted from the worrying, as well as the need to be in constant prayer. But, I am fine with that. Because I feel, that I can handle it for now, and I know God wants us to care for each other and lift our brothers and sisters up when they need it.

I will also say a prayer about little Morgan's heart. My oldest daughter Lauren, went through a minor heart scare when she was three, and I was pregnant with my oldest son. She had an irregular heart beat which was detected at a well-check visit at her pediatrician, and had to see a pediatric cardiologist to have an EKG and then to wear a monitoring device which would keep an eye on how her activities affected her heart rate. After all was said and done, the cardiologist determined it wasn't lifethreatening, but we needed to watch her for any signs of distress (skin color changes, breathing troubles, etc). She also she needed to be tested periodically. Well, the next appt came and the ahrythmia was gone. It was a huge relief, but I know at the time, I was terrified. So, I will be thinking and praying for sweet Morgan.

Hugs to you,
Kristi

amanda said...

Misty,

I have a blog, which I do like, but right now I am unable, because of my own deep personal pains/struggles, to blog much because I feel too lonely over there sometimes, so I avoid the blog and the loneliness, but not the writing I don't/am not lonely in. I do have a photoblog I tend to more, and is needing tending too, but I haven't gotten around to uploading the 900 and something photos I have because of the same. But I'm still gonna put myself for the first time as a listed follower on your blog. Not so other people can read my blog, but so other people can find yours.

You have grown so much since I have been lurking pretty much as a follower, and the one thing from this post that I needed more than anything here in this outside world I'm living in and fighting in is if I may quote you "I want this picture to provide and remind us that God, I believe, wants us to hurt and care for others." Misty, so many people do NOT believe that, because of egos block them from the pain inside, and from caring for others, and this is something I have been fighting against...people not wanting my pain, and that adds to the pain triplefold! Yeah it hurts to see those two parents crying over their precious baby-it hurts like hell, and there are so many people hurting like hell that people turn their heads away from and hurt them more, so much more. I am one of them. I am in it. I am living it. I have been trying to break through, and I will continue to try and break through, and it's been some awful, awful hurt I wouldn't wish on anyone. You are right. I believe too. You are a precious soul. A beautiful precious soul inside and out, and that is a truly beautiful person. God Bless You! Thank you for sharing such a beautifully intimate photo of what love is, and what it really means to love and care. I'm sorry for their deep, precious, loss they will always hold close, but what blessings to be found in those tears of enduring love forever and ever.....


And with His love and my love too,

amanda

Sunshine Mama said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. But those are very sad things that are happening. I refuse to go to the blog about Sage. Seeing the picture was already more than I wanted to do. I got really upset when everything started going down with Stellan. I called my mom and started bawling... what if he dies? I said. She said there is nothing you can do. Whether he lives or whether he dies it's in God's hands. It's good for you to take a break from reading all the sad stories too. I had to be with my son in the hospital for a few days once and the hospital staff actually encouraged me to "get away" for an hour or too, just because it was good for my mental state. Anyway, I've been here before but it's the first time I've commented. Hope you feel better.

Jennifer said...

You wear your heart on your sleeve, Misty! I'll keep you (and Morgan) in my prayers.
Sending you big bear hugs.
Jen

Tim said...

Praying for Morgy Mist......... praying for Morgy.

Love and Prayers,

Tim

April said...

Hi Misty~
I'm visiting from Angie's blog. Just wanted to thank you for being so open and honest with your emotions. I have felt very much like you lately. There seems to be a lot of sadness in Blogland, and in the world, in general. It really is heartbreaking and more than one can bear to hear, at times. However, I know and fully believe that God is ever faithful and powerful. I trust that there is nothing that He can't conquer. So, in good times and in bad, I keep looking UP and trusting HIM to see me, and all those who are hurting, through these troubling times. God Bless!

Following Him said...

Found you from Angie and thought I would pop on over. Stellan and MckMama hace touched my hearts inmore ways than one. I feel distracted and scared for this family. I want and pray for Stellan to feel better. I have cried and prayed but feel helpless for him.
Praying for your little one as she gets her heart checked too.
~Elyse~

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