catching my breath

Today I wrote a post just sort of vented and let it out. And then I hit 'save now' button.

All I do know is, as I speak to my son about the difference in 'changes' and 'hard times' .... I feel like I could explode and just shout it out to everyone what I am going through. But I don't and I can't.

I simply just tell myself to stop and catch my breath.

So I inhale.... (now you are inhaling too, I can hear you all the way over here.) *smiling*

I am going through both 'changes' and 'hard times' and my emotions are all over the place. One minute I feel strong and convinced I am and have done the right thing. The next ....

I stop and try to catch my breath.

Because the anxiety of it all can be so overwhelming, so frighting and just plain heart wrenching.

If I don't catch my breath, I feel like I could just crumble to the ground with my weak knees and mop the floor with all the tears that are just on the edge of bursting out of my eyes.

So I stop to catch my breath. Trying to keep myself together.

Thankfully my kids have kept me so busy lately that I can often go hours without thinking about these changes and hard times. It's those moments when I walk into the house after dropping them off at school or late at night when they are asleep, that I allow myself to think.

There are moments I feel so disappointed, depressed and uncertain. Its amazing the conversations that go on in your mind during times like these. Sometime I wonder if its satan having his own two-way conversation in my head. Toying with my every thought. Back and forth, back and forth. I just want to put a pillow over my head and drown out the sounds.

I stop and catch my breath.

Inhale.

There are moments I stop and I just allow myself to cry. Cry so hard that I have to stop and catch my breath.

I wipe my tears, I pick myself off the ground and have a small pep talk with myself. Well, I pray too, but my prayers keep drifting lately. As I begin to speak with God and or just pray, before I am finished my mind has already been interrupted and drifted off to something else. But I know God is here and he knows my thoughts and prayers. Thankfully he is the master of patience, or I would be in timeout all the time.

I catch my breath and then feel better and ready to keep marching forward.

These days I try to find balance in my these changes, and also peace. I am constantly thanking God. Although, I am heartbroken, disappointed and even confused. I know GOD does have a plan and a purpose for my life. I will never not believe that and I will never stop saying that, because I truly believe it.

I may be in a low right now, but when you are low, that only means there is going to be a high. Even if that high takes its sweet little time to appear. I know Ill appreciate it that much more.

Tonight was the first night of baseball practice. The weather is still really chilly. I like it that its keeping the bugs away and the air smells crisp and fresh. At the same time, I am over it and I just want the sun to be out and I want to feel the warmth on my face.

While rocking Morgan to sleep tonight, I had a vision of both my kids getting married. I stopped and wondered what life will be like then for them and their parents. Will we all be here? Will I be here? Will their dads be here? Will each of them be in each others wedding as a groomsmen or a bridesmaid?

With that moment of imaging my kids wedding .... I just squeezed my little girl, and realized I was holding my breath.

I had to remind myself that she is still only 22 months old as of Valentines Day and then...

I was able to catch my breath.

This is how I found Hunter and our cat Milo sleeping the other day. Head to head. Super sweet. And yes that is his yellow blanket (what's left of it anyways) that my sweet boy still sleeps with every night.

Inhale.

visual aid

I am a big visual person. I love to see things, vision things and even imagine things. Especially when I am going through things in life that can often be difficult, disappointing and even right out heartbreaking.

Hunter had a pretty rough day yesterday with his dad. He and his dad are very strong-willed personalities. I often laugh and tell his dad to call Hunter "Jr." because they are very much the same in sports and their attitude.

After such a long day yesterday, I had Hunter take a nap. When he woke up and was rested we say sat down and just talked about things. Things that are on his mind, things he may be feeling but can't quiet put into words etc.

It was a great talk. I love talking with him.

I often try to help him see "big pictures" instead of focusing on the small stuff in the heat of the moment.

Last night as we were laying in bed, I was looking through my bible and he asked me what I was reading. I told him the verse I just read that very moment, along with a couple of others I thought he could use to hear.

As I finished my bible, I got up and went into the bathroom to shower. As I am walking he ask "mom, am I going through a hard time?"

I wanted to just squeeze him and kiss him, but I didn't think he would appreciate that in this moment of questioning.

I simply held back my smile and said "no honey, you aren't going through a hard time, you are going through changes." Then I gave him examples of what could be considered 'hard times' vs just some uneasy and even difficult changes in life.

He was please with the response and I got in the shower and we both went to bed.

I found these a few weeks ago. I have been meaning to order one for Hunter but haven't gotten to it as of yet.

I thought about sharing it with you.

I love to help my kids think about Jesus being in their every day lives. In the big things and in the small things. To also think to themselves in situations "what would Jesus do?" and when in moments of feeling nervous to vision Jesus standing right behind or beside them helping them with all they do.

Check out these things I found. You can get one for girls and for boys. I love it.

Here is the website to find more of these visual aids.

Jesus, Bring The Rain...No Matter What.

.... as I continue to walk through the puddles in my life and once again ask for more prayers.

This song was playing in the background of a blog I have read for almost two years now. As I was reading, the words to this song over powered the thoughts going on in my head as I read her recent post.

And I felt....

Jesus wants me to stop and look to Him and be reminded.... HE IS LORD GOD ALMIGHTY.

So as I face the raindrops hitting me in my face.... I will continue to PRAISE HIS NAME. No matter what!

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that

I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings

You glory And I know there'll

be days When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to

praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may

loom above because you are much greater than

my pain you who made a way for me suffering

your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy

Holy, holy, holy

is the lord God almighty

is the lord God almighty

I'm forever singing

everybody singing

Holy holy holy

you are holy

you are holy

the love of a boy...

Just to show you that kids aren't always unaware of things in this world. Hunter has questioned and cared much about the lives in Haiti.

He and his grandmother put their great minds together and this is what they came up with, in effort to raise some relief funds.

Hunter drew a picture of a puppy face, and his grandmother had them made into cards. He has been selling this custom made cards to folks for $2.50 a card.

How cool is that?

What a response everyone has had to these cards. Some have purchased them in bulks. His teachers at school, our friends and of course myself.

I couldn't be more proud of my beautiful boy.

I am not on here promoting to sell them. However, if you do feel you want to purchase any, you can contact me and we will make it happen. I just wanted to share with you the love of a boy, my boy!

He even signed them with his signature.

My FREE canvas arrived....

and I love it.

Well, it arrived last week, but in the mix of getting ready for travels and attending to busy kiddos, I didn't get a chance to share it. I am still here in Colorado skiing. I'll share more with pics in another post on that. For now, I want to show off my beautiful 8x10 FREE photo canvas by Canvas People.

{Remember this photo? Morgan only two-weeks old filming Marley and Me}

and I can't get over how BIG Morgan is now at 21 month old.

I guess I could have put something cute on my child before taking these pictures, instead of her pj tank and diaper. But hey, this is real life stuff here. Oh, and that is her hospital bracelet she is wearing from our ER run last week too. She refuses to take it off. That will be a post of its own too, I promise.

She loved pointing at mommy and "baby" in the photo. It will be so neat when she understands that the "baby" is herself.

Thank you Canvas People for a wonderful FREE gift. I am grateful.