i want a front porch.

Today I have been thinking. Considering I had absolutely, as in zero, none ... sleep last night, thinking probably wouldn't be the best thing for me.

I took baby girl to the doctor on Monday about her cough. Its this deep (bark) like cough and she has had it for a few weeks now, and its not wanting to get better. The doctor on call Monday so quickly and so laid back tells me he thinks it could be allergies. Sure that makes sense. Allergies run in her family and so does the history of asthma, so its believable.

He says she looks adorable and sounds fantastic. Her lungs sound clear-clear and her ENT look great. "Ill have you give her Zyrtec for two weeks and see if that changes anything" he says. She gives him a high five and $25 dollars we are out the door feeling thankful there isn't anything more to worry about, we can take on a little allergy annoyance.

First two nights I didn't really see any improvment or changes, other than her nose is now starting to run, which I expressed that to the doctor with our last experience with allergy medicine. Its supposed to the do the opposite and dry her up and that would in return hopefully stop the nasal dripping, supposedly causing her to cough to begin with. I assume we need to wait it out a few days and let the allergy stuff get to work.

Well, lets just say that didn't happen. As my baby girl was up all night last night. I am talking about on the hour of every hour, either me rocking her, her fussing and coughing none stop, to me bringing her in my bed, while I sit up against the headboard and try to let her sleep propped up on my chest. Every 15 seconds this annoying deep cough blares in my ears like a fire alarm in the middle of the night. I wanted to cry. I was frustrated and felt helpless for her. I was exhausted and one that must have sleep to function.

I am pretty cautious when it comes to giving me kids meds of any kind and especially cautious when mixing meds. I was afraid to give her anything more since I already have given her the allergy stuff before bed. Finally, around 3:30 AM I felt I had to give her something and I felt that enough hours had gone by that I could be safe with giving her Deslym for her cough. I give it to her and she is able to sleep for two hours, but not totally cough free. We were so tired, that I even allowed Hunter to sleep in an additional hour before waking him up for school.

He had a math test today and I figured I would let him be an hour late to school, in order to get a little more sleep and be ready for his test. So that is what we did.

Today I called up my friend and Morgan's actual doctor to get a second opinion, and instantly on the phone is hears Morgan next to me coughing away. He agreed with me that this didn't sound like an allergy cough, for its too agressive and deep sounding to be. I take her back in to the doctors office, he again confirms though that she is really clear in the lungs and her ENT look fantastic. All praises.

However, he gives me two prescriptions to help knock this stubborn cough out of my little girl.

Hoping tonight is a much better night for sleeping for all of us.

Oh back to my origional thoughts. Bare with me, I am still going with no sleep. I am sitting in my car at Hunters baseball practice typing this.

While driving Morgan down to the Plantation office where our doctor was working today, I had time to think while Morgan was engaged in her Curious George movie in the backseat.

I started to think about how I envision my life one day. I started to think about places I would one day love to live. The kind of people I would love to have around me and the kids my kids could be friends with.

I kept visioning a house with a front porch. We don't have many homes here in South Florida (newer homes anyways) that have front porches built on. You only have a sidewalk that leads to your front door. I realize that it fits our culture these days here. Its hard to find any neighbors to be social with or lets kids run back and forth to each others homes to play. In fact there are no kids in my direct neighborhood that Hunter plays with. We will be outside by ourselves playing street hockey or hoops, or we have to drive to another neighborhood to meet with some friends to play.

I remember growing up with not much money, no fancy homes, but everyone had a front porch. And on those front porches you see the adults hanging out, while all the kids run around playing or riding bikes. It was always active and there was always someone there to hang out with you.

I find it sad that I don't have a front porch here. I don't have a place to sit and welcome my neighbors and their kids. My kids aren't growing up with the experience of backyards, neighborhood buddies and those kinds of memories that I look back on and smile upon.

I want a front porch.

I want a house in a friendly family filled neighborhood. I want to have BBQ's, playdates, bored Saturday nights gathering, chats, conversations, celebrations, tears and memories on my front porch.

Do you have a front porch?

How is your neighborhood? Is it full of life and kids running to each other homes? Is it with warm and welcoming neighbors? I can barely tell you the name of 3 of my neighbors. I do not know my neighbors directly to the left, right or in front of me either. I have seen them before. I have waved and said hi, but that's as far as it goes. Everyone is busy with their own lives, agendas and families.

But this life is about sharing all of that.

Sometimes I wonder if that takes it toll on families these days? Would that play any role in marriages and homes breaking apart, because they become so isolated with just themselves. No other families to casually be social with at any given moment. Instead, you have to plan it out and hope that it doesn't get postponed or canceled due to one of the kids being sick or having a sports event to attend.

You don't have anyone to call up and say "please give me an hour and take your kids for you" or you do the same. You don't have kids anxiously waiting to knock on your door after dinner so they can play with your kids. No one to say "hey walk down and come eat tacos with us tonight." All the things I remember growing up and enjoyed.

We always had friends and people to share life with. Our door was always opened, not always having it locked and curtains down so no one can see inside your home. Heck, even if your dog was missing, all you had to do is call down the street and know that your dog was getting a belly rub by the kids down the block, and he'd come running back at the sound of your whistle.

I find myself so lonely sometimes, it hurts.

I had a dream. A vision. An idea of what I wanted in my family life of my own. And I just find myself feeling so stuck sometimes, and constantly left to day dream of having my very own front porch.

Life is so different here in this part of Florida. Maybe one day Ill find a little happy place out here and I can give my kids a little bit of their own front porch to take with them and share with their own kids. Until then, Ill just enjoy the view within.

Speaking of front porches.... let me bring you a little country too. I love this song.

The only ground I ever owned was sticking to my shoes

Now I look at my front porch and this panoramic view

I can sit and watch the fields fill up

With rays of glowing sun

Or watch the moon lay on the fences

Like that's where it was hung

My blessings are in front of me

It's not about the land

I'll never beat the view

From my front porch looking in

There's a carrot top who can barely walk

With a sippy cup of milk

A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong

'Cause she likes to dress herself

And the most beautiful girl holding both of them

And the view I love the most

Is my front porch looking in, yeah

I've traveled here and everywhere

Following my job

I've seen the paintings from the air

Brushed by the hand of God

The mountains and the canyons reach from sea to shining sea

But I can't wait to get back home

To the one he made for me

It's anywhere I'll ever go and everywhere I've been

Nothing takes my breath away

Like my front porch looking in

There's a carrot top who can barely walk

With a sippy cup of milk

A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong

'Cause she likes to dress herself

And the most beautiful girl holding both of them

Yeah the view I love the most

Is my front porch looking in

I see what beautiful is about

When I'm looking in

Not when I'm looking out

There's a carrot top who can barely walk

With a sippy cup of milk

A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong

'Cause she likes to dress herself

And the most beautiful girl holding both of them

Yeah the view I love the most

Oh, the view I love the most

Is my front porch looking in

Yeah

Oh, there's a carrot top who can barely walk

(From my front porch looking in)

A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong, yeah

And the most beautiful girl

(Beautiful girl

From my front porch looking in)

Holding both of them

Oh, yeah

dear sweet child of mine.....

If I could put into words what I would want to say to you yesterday, today and tomorrow, it would be this:

WHAT I WOULD TELL YOU:

(If I knew what to say.)

You are a miracle.

And I have to love you this fiercely: So that you can feel it even after you leave for school, or even while you are asleep, or even after your childhood becomes a memory.

You’ll forget all this when you grow up. But it’s okay.

Being a mother means having your heart broken.

And it means loving and losing and falling apart and coming back together.

And it’s the best there is. And also, sometimes, the worst.

Sometimes you won’t have anyone to talk to.

Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’ve forgotten who you are.

But you must remember this: What you’re doing matters.

And you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.

The truth is, being a mother is a gift. Tenderness is a gift. Intimacy is a gift. And nurturing the good in this world is a nothing short of a privilege.

That’s why I have to love you this way. So I can give what I have to you. So that you can carry it in your body and pass it on.

I have watched you sleep. I’ve kissed you a million times. And I know something that you don’t, yet:

You are writing the story of your only life every single minute of every day.

And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one.

I borrowed these words and video from this blog. But I mean every bit of it.

catching my breath

Today I wrote a post just sort of vented and let it out. And then I hit 'save now' button.

All I do know is, as I speak to my son about the difference in 'changes' and 'hard times' .... I feel like I could explode and just shout it out to everyone what I am going through. But I don't and I can't.

I simply just tell myself to stop and catch my breath.

So I inhale.... (now you are inhaling too, I can hear you all the way over here.) *smiling*

I am going through both 'changes' and 'hard times' and my emotions are all over the place. One minute I feel strong and convinced I am and have done the right thing. The next ....

I stop and try to catch my breath.

Because the anxiety of it all can be so overwhelming, so frighting and just plain heart wrenching.

If I don't catch my breath, I feel like I could just crumble to the ground with my weak knees and mop the floor with all the tears that are just on the edge of bursting out of my eyes.

So I stop to catch my breath. Trying to keep myself together.

Thankfully my kids have kept me so busy lately that I can often go hours without thinking about these changes and hard times. It's those moments when I walk into the house after dropping them off at school or late at night when they are asleep, that I allow myself to think.

There are moments I feel so disappointed, depressed and uncertain. Its amazing the conversations that go on in your mind during times like these. Sometime I wonder if its satan having his own two-way conversation in my head. Toying with my every thought. Back and forth, back and forth. I just want to put a pillow over my head and drown out the sounds.

I stop and catch my breath.

Inhale.

There are moments I stop and I just allow myself to cry. Cry so hard that I have to stop and catch my breath.

I wipe my tears, I pick myself off the ground and have a small pep talk with myself. Well, I pray too, but my prayers keep drifting lately. As I begin to speak with God and or just pray, before I am finished my mind has already been interrupted and drifted off to something else. But I know God is here and he knows my thoughts and prayers. Thankfully he is the master of patience, or I would be in timeout all the time.

I catch my breath and then feel better and ready to keep marching forward.

These days I try to find balance in my these changes, and also peace. I am constantly thanking God. Although, I am heartbroken, disappointed and even confused. I know GOD does have a plan and a purpose for my life. I will never not believe that and I will never stop saying that, because I truly believe it.

I may be in a low right now, but when you are low, that only means there is going to be a high. Even if that high takes its sweet little time to appear. I know Ill appreciate it that much more.

Tonight was the first night of baseball practice. The weather is still really chilly. I like it that its keeping the bugs away and the air smells crisp and fresh. At the same time, I am over it and I just want the sun to be out and I want to feel the warmth on my face.

While rocking Morgan to sleep tonight, I had a vision of both my kids getting married. I stopped and wondered what life will be like then for them and their parents. Will we all be here? Will I be here? Will their dads be here? Will each of them be in each others wedding as a groomsmen or a bridesmaid?

With that moment of imaging my kids wedding .... I just squeezed my little girl, and realized I was holding my breath.

I had to remind myself that she is still only 22 months old as of Valentines Day and then...

I was able to catch my breath.

This is how I found Hunter and our cat Milo sleeping the other day. Head to head. Super sweet. And yes that is his yellow blanket (what's left of it anyways) that my sweet boy still sleeps with every night.

Inhale.

visual aid

I am a big visual person. I love to see things, vision things and even imagine things. Especially when I am going through things in life that can often be difficult, disappointing and even right out heartbreaking.

Hunter had a pretty rough day yesterday with his dad. He and his dad are very strong-willed personalities. I often laugh and tell his dad to call Hunter "Jr." because they are very much the same in sports and their attitude.

After such a long day yesterday, I had Hunter take a nap. When he woke up and was rested we say sat down and just talked about things. Things that are on his mind, things he may be feeling but can't quiet put into words etc.

It was a great talk. I love talking with him.

I often try to help him see "big pictures" instead of focusing on the small stuff in the heat of the moment.

Last night as we were laying in bed, I was looking through my bible and he asked me what I was reading. I told him the verse I just read that very moment, along with a couple of others I thought he could use to hear.

As I finished my bible, I got up and went into the bathroom to shower. As I am walking he ask "mom, am I going through a hard time?"

I wanted to just squeeze him and kiss him, but I didn't think he would appreciate that in this moment of questioning.

I simply held back my smile and said "no honey, you aren't going through a hard time, you are going through changes." Then I gave him examples of what could be considered 'hard times' vs just some uneasy and even difficult changes in life.

He was please with the response and I got in the shower and we both went to bed.

I found these a few weeks ago. I have been meaning to order one for Hunter but haven't gotten to it as of yet.

I thought about sharing it with you.

I love to help my kids think about Jesus being in their every day lives. In the big things and in the small things. To also think to themselves in situations "what would Jesus do?" and when in moments of feeling nervous to vision Jesus standing right behind or beside them helping them with all they do.

Check out these things I found. You can get one for girls and for boys. I love it.

Here is the website to find more of these visual aids.

Jesus, Bring The Rain...No Matter What.

.... as I continue to walk through the puddles in my life and once again ask for more prayers.

This song was playing in the background of a blog I have read for almost two years now. As I was reading, the words to this song over powered the thoughts going on in my head as I read her recent post.

And I felt....

Jesus wants me to stop and look to Him and be reminded.... HE IS LORD GOD ALMIGHTY.

So as I face the raindrops hitting me in my face.... I will continue to PRAISE HIS NAME. No matter what!

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that

I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings

You glory And I know there'll

be days When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to

praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may

loom above because you are much greater than

my pain you who made a way for me suffering

your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy

Holy, holy, holy

is the lord God almighty

is the lord God almighty

I'm forever singing

everybody singing

Holy holy holy

you are holy

you are holy

the love of a boy...

Just to show you that kids aren't always unaware of things in this world. Hunter has questioned and cared much about the lives in Haiti.

He and his grandmother put their great minds together and this is what they came up with, in effort to raise some relief funds.

Hunter drew a picture of a puppy face, and his grandmother had them made into cards. He has been selling this custom made cards to folks for $2.50 a card.

How cool is that?

What a response everyone has had to these cards. Some have purchased them in bulks. His teachers at school, our friends and of course myself.

I couldn't be more proud of my beautiful boy.

I am not on here promoting to sell them. However, if you do feel you want to purchase any, you can contact me and we will make it happen. I just wanted to share with you the love of a boy, my boy!

He even signed them with his signature.

My FREE canvas arrived....

and I love it.

Well, it arrived last week, but in the mix of getting ready for travels and attending to busy kiddos, I didn't get a chance to share it. I am still here in Colorado skiing. I'll share more with pics in another post on that. For now, I want to show off my beautiful 8x10 FREE photo canvas by Canvas People.

{Remember this photo? Morgan only two-weeks old filming Marley and Me}

and I can't get over how BIG Morgan is now at 21 month old.

I guess I could have put something cute on my child before taking these pictures, instead of her pj tank and diaper. But hey, this is real life stuff here. Oh, and that is her hospital bracelet she is wearing from our ER run last week too. She refuses to take it off. That will be a post of its own too, I promise.

She loved pointing at mommy and "baby" in the photo. It will be so neat when she understands that the "baby" is herself.

Thank you Canvas People for a wonderful FREE gift. I am grateful.

$100 Giveaway Winner!!!

Sorry I didn't get this out yesterday. If you knew my plate right now, you would totally understand.

So before I pack up on an adventure to Winter Park, I wanted to say congratulations to Breanna from ....

She was selected randomly by Random.Org.

And its your lucky day x3!!!

For the next 2-DAYS Pajamagram is also giving FREE peronslization to your pj's, plus FREE gift packaging for every order!!!

Not only did you win $100 worth of FREE stuff, you get FREE personaliztion and FREE gift wrapping. That's 3 HUGE WINS in one day!

How to get FREE Personalization: 1. Order any personalizeable PJ by 2/3/10. 2. Use code PGPZALUV at checkout. 3. A maximum discount of $9.95 will be applied to your entire order at checkout.

FREE Gift Packaging with Every Order: All women's pajamas delivered with FREE: • Periwinkle or pink organza hatbox • Lavender bath confetti • Do not disturb sign • Personalized gift card

Congratulations girl!!!

Don't forget you can order your Hoodie-Footie or PajamaJeans and be so hip like me. I love mine! And that's the truth!

So get busy shopping girl. I am leaving early in the morning for a ski trip. I will have my phone on me, so once you get your ordered picked out. I'll provide them with my special code and your goodies will be on their way.

Have a great day.