Friday, September 10, 2010

Settle for a Slow Down

Its official.  School is back in session full swing.  Although, I must say it has been a much easier transition than I had imagined. The whole getting up so early, making breakfast and lunches sounded (and still does) so painful.  I think we have done a pretty smooth job around here as a family making it happen.  We haven't been late to school once.  We have not forgotten anything left at home.  I haven't (yet) gotten lazy and said "oh just buy your lunch today." So that's a good start if you ask me.

We have though kept things really busy.  Hunter has lost a tooth each week of school to this point (two weeks = two teeth). And only my child that hates to brush his teeth would come up with this as a positive for losing his teeth...

"Mom, the best part about losing a tooth is that I don't have to brush in that spot anymore."  Go figure.

Tonight, I uploaded calendars into my iCal, in which then will automatically sync with my iPhone. Thanks to MobileME.   Its multiple calendars.  We have a calendar for school holidays.  A calendar for weekend rotations with his dad.  A calendar for his hockey practices, games and tournaments.  A calendar for what is for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  A calendar for what chores need to be done on which days... so on and so on.

Its good to be organized.  In fact, I NEED IT and like it. I can't live life without having 'my list'. I have done list for the last 15 years or so of my life.  It keeps me together and sane.

What I have noticed over the last several weeks, which means summer included, is this.  I am going too fast.  I am putting things on my 'to do list' and I am doing too much, too fast.  I feel like I can't and will never get caught up, so I then try to cram more and more in each day.  As to which the moment I clear off two things on my to-do-list, I add five more new things. You know how that goes.

I look and I ask myself, "why do I do this to myself?" It can't really be healthy.  Am I doing it to stay busy so I don't go off the deep end of loneliness, being home all the time with my baby girl and feeling like I am stuck the 'ground hog day' movie every single day of my life?

I have found that although I am busy, I am then also less here.  HERE, as in here with my love ones.  HERE with my kids. HERE with my husband.  HERE with myself.  I feel like my mind is in a constant state of what else needs to get done.

I find myself struggling to stop and take a moment to myself.  Its like I almost feel pressured or guilty if I allow myself a moment of down time or quiet alone time. I can't sit down or slow down, I have to get a,b and c done before this time. And if I get those done, then I can do x,y and z by this time. Then eventually once I get all my things on my list done, THEN I'll have time to myself and for my kids.

Before I know it, my kids are home and I am starting to feel aggravated and on edge.  For what? I don't know, I just feel it. They are asking me for stuff.  Distracting me. Whatever it is that kids do.

Well, if I truly think about it, its because I am not HERE.  I am off OUT THERE in my "busy bee" thoughts, my to-do-list, my whatever it may be ..... and I am missing out on what's right here in front of me. Time with my children who want my attention.  So that's why my youngest is acting out.  I do things with her all the time. I feed her, bath her, dress her and take her to the park.  But when is the last time I just sat right there on the floor and played with her?  My son who can (and does) talk and talk and talk.... to the point that I sound him out and get back to my own thoughts. Again, I am missing out on these moments when he wants to talk to me.  As one day he may not want to talk so much to me.  I am not HERE with him.  I am OUT THERE.

I find myself day dreaming.  Feeling of constant discontentment. Anxious. Restless. Yet tired and overwhelmed. Lonely, yet busy.

I stop and ask God to please slow me down, and place contentment in my heart.  Take away my selfishness and replace it with thankfulness.  Take away my short temper and replace it with joy and patience. To be at peace with my life where it is today and HERE.  I focus way too much on what I want to be doing or be in the future, when in truth (in fact to be frank) my future isn't guaranteed to me.  I don't know how much time I have left in this flesh, or with my children.  I am on borrowed time.

So I just want to write tonight to remind myself that I need to stop being in a rush.  Stop being so busy.  Stop being so grouchy.  Stop being so displeased. Stop being so anxious.  Stop being so frustrated.  Stop being so impatient.  Stop being .......


Tonight, I watched the memorial service of a beautiful five year old little girl. She was smart, witty and funny.  She was athletic, loved to dance and do gymnastics.  They found out she had brain cancer, and with in 10 weeks of her diagnostics, she died after a hard fight. She left behind a hurting mommy, daddy and big brother.  I watched videos of her, and boy did she and her brother love each other.  They thought everything was fine.  There life was active and busy as everyone else's.

I cried and laughed watching her memorial service while listening to the stories of this little girls big personality.  And tonight she reminded me instead of just talking about slowing down.... I still have TIME to act on that slow down.

So tomorrow when Morgan messes up the beds after I have made them up.  I won't get mad, instead I'll be thankful she is here to mess them up.  I still have time.

Instead of yelling at Morgan over and over again to stay out of my shoes in the closet.  I will smile and be thankful she is here to walk in them.

Instead of thinking of all my "to do's" on my list.  I will simply ask Morgan "WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO!" And actually DO IT!

When my son gets home from school instead of half listening to his chatting self, while half thinking of what I want to get to next, or silently wishing he would just not talk for while.  I am going to be thankful he can speak and I'll actually listen to him with my full attention.  I want to memorize the sound of his voice.  I want to trace his entire face with my eyes and know all the details of him and be thankful he is mine.

Basically what I am saying is this.... I WANT, NEED and AM READY --  TO

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