This weekend we rented the movie "Letters to God." Its based on a true story about a boy with cancer that writes letters to God, but some how they end up in the hands of those all around him, touching everyone in some way that come in contact with one of his letters. It became his legacy and now so many write their own letters to God.
I actually liked the idea too. Sometimes I feel like I am in constant random conversation with God. A little here and a little there. A pray here and a prayer there. Sometimes I feel so unworthy of even being allowed to talk with or pray to God, because I feel so unstable in my concentration. I feel like I can't stay focused for more than a few seconds before my mind starts wondering off onto to something else. Often times I fall asleep in my bedtime prayers, and often times I wake up in the middle of the night to check on kids, use the restroom and find myself half asleep but still talking with God, or simply just telling him that I love Him.
I have wanted to write on here so many times and then I don't. Its kind of weird how on random nights, even like this one tonight, I will all of the sudden feel the deep desire to write. Sometimes I think its God wanting to me write. After all who am I do believe that my blogs are all about me, all about my family? In fact, I am learning that a lot of the times, my blog post can often be all about YOU or YOU and even YOU, you quiet ones that never comment. I often sit back and wonder about those that read my blog. Why do they read my blog? Do I really inspire people? Do people really enjoy reading? I don't know, and in truth maybe I don't even need to know. Maybe I just need to allow God to speak through me, in my words on here and let this be about HIM. About HIS glory. His grace. His unending love.
Sure sometimes it will be about my kids. My emotions. My life. My ups or downs. After all it is my blog. That's just the fun extra stuff. Stuff that I get to look over and back on and just smile and be that more thankful for the ever so many blessings that have circle my life through the years.
Tonight, I want to write my first letter to God. I have no idea what will come out in my letter for this isn't planned. All I know is that I felt the desire to write to God tonight and I thought I would start writing my own letters to God here on my blog from time to time when I want, and will share them with all of you at the same time. So here it goes.
Tonight while laying in bed I was thinking of so many things. Then I suddenly was reminded that I wanted to write a letter to you. Part of me wonders why, but the other part is a way of me putting down in writing like a journal of my walk with you here on earth. Part of me thinks that it will be my way of really staying focused on what I want to say to you without falling asleep, getting distracted or not being 100% available to you when I am praying or talking with you. I am really bad about taking out those few minutes a day to have quiet time with you. I am sorry for that and hope to not always be like this.
As you know, I have been pretty disappointed in myself lately with how little I serve for you. I asked myself tonight how does one find the balance? How does a young family like us, with no family or help here in Florida make it all happen? Giving time to our kids at the end of each day, our work, our friends, our marriage, our church and schedules. How do we find time and balance to also give time to ourselves and in ministry some place. Are we were we are to be, or are we disappointing you by not serving?
Actually, I can't recall the last time I have had the chance to talk about You to a total stranger. I can't recall the last time I have had the chance to share my story(s) with someone else. I miss that. Hmmm... maybe another reason you blessed me with the love for writing and my blog? But still is that enough? Lord, I want to make you proud. Just like I am always in such a panic to find myself a career that I can be great at and love. I want to feel needed. I want to find my place in this world. I want to feel appreciated, and admired and like I have something to offer. Part of that struggle I have with just being content. Slowing down and enjoying exactly where I am now and today, a young mom, with young children and just focus on my family. Instead, I feel I need to promote myself, grab all the jobs and work I can get modeling/tv, because if I don't this world and that career will soon keep going and leave me behind. Part of me fears of what I will be once it does leave me behind. Will I feel like a failure? Will I all of the sudden feel unimportant or admired by others? I want to feel successful. So why am I struggling so hard to find what your plan for me is? I often say I am a "jack of all trades, but a master of none." I feel like you have blessed me to be so rounded and able to do so many things, and you have and I am. However, I can't seem to just stick to one, commit to one and really do something with it. I almost feel afraid to. Afraid to be a failure at it. Afraid it won't be the right one and I eventually won't feel fulfilled or passionate about it. So many things. I often just keep saying "pray about it, pray about it." So this is part of my prayer. I want to serve you. I want you to use the talents and gifts you have wired in my since before I was born and I want to find my place in your plan. I ask that you please slow me down. Allow me to be okay where I am today, and not in such a rush. Let me enjoy my kids while they are young, instead of being so selfish and wanting to find something about myself or for myself. Show me how to make changes so I don't feel so lonely all the time, or in need of attention. Show me how to find that balance in serving my family, and others for You.
Thank you for this weekend, it was nice and relaxing. Thank you for that little girl that's sleeping so soundly in her bed right now. I loved bringing her in bed with me last night to snuggle, even though I did kick her back out at 3 AM to her own bed, just so I could get some solid sleep. Lord, she is something else. The apple of my eye. She brings me so much joy I could cry thinking about it now. Grow me into the women SHE NEEDS IN HER LIFE. Let me not fail her as her mother. Let me enjoy her today in the moment. Guide me and wrap your arms around us both, so that our bond could never be broken or weakened, but could only grow stronger.
I missed not seeing my little boys hockey games this weekend. Another balance I find really hard sometimes. I have though realized it does seem to be getting easier as he gets older. I know he is in good hands when he is with his dad. I am glad how balance he seems to be despite his family is in two big pieces. He so smart. I see him growing up right before my very eyes. He loves to talk. So I need to ask you Lord to please slow my mind down again, so I can give him focus when he wants my attention too. I don't want to be physically here and mentally some place else, because then Ill miss the good stuff, even some of the important things. Let me show more interest in his "boy" things. Let me enjoy his questions and wonder. He is such a good boy, and is my first love. Sometimes when I go in and kiss him while he sleeps, I imagine that little boy that I miss so much laying there. I remember when it was just the two of us. And although I am oh so thankful for where this family is today, I miss those alone moments with him when it was the just the two of us. Please help me to find that balance there too. Make time for just us two. I miss that little boy and moments like when I allowed him to ride in the front seat just to drive in circles around the parking lot. He would look up at me with those blue eyes, big smile and hold my hand as the happiest little boy on the planet in that moment. Gosh, he is already talking about colleges and careers. Its pretty scary and yet exciting at the same time. Please subside my fears of the possibility that I may not be around for those moments in my children's life. I know its not healthy to worry about tomorrow, when today holds so much of its own right now. Please help me to just hold on to YOU for everything. No matter what Your plan is for any of us, you have us all in your hands.
Thank you for my husband. Sometimes I'm afraid to be thankful because we have been through so much. Afraid that the moment I give praise or thanks, something goes wrong. The devil attacks. We have been through a lot of hurt with each other. Most don't even know that we've been separated (again) for the last several months, except these last two months, until now. Lord, I am thankful that he is still here in my life. That my family is still together. I love that we continue to fight FOR this marriage, even when it is so so hard. Thank you for putting that spirit in him to not walk away, as you have me. I ask that you please continue to work in us, and our marriage. I ask that you continue to protect and guard this marriage, that will ultimately guard and protect this family. This unit. This team. I ask that you allow us to be different. Use us as an example to show the world that family and marriage, is still, in this world and in our today, A GREAT THING!!! I see so much sadness around me. So many hurting hearts and broken families. I beg you to please not give up on us, and use us to be the image of what you intended family to be.
Tomorrow brings a new day. I look forward to what I can do to make you smile. I know I will let you know down a lot. So I ask for you to please renew my heart and spirit each day, or in each moment. Let me look different to others, so they will wonder, and then maybe I can share with them my stories of how you have changed my life around (a few times), and continue to love me and design me for your purpose.
Last but not least, I want to pray for those reading this blog post slash letter. I pray that whatever they are going through that they bring it to you. I also pray for my mom and family. I know how painful the loss of my grandmother has been on my mom. I am so proud of my mom. Thank you for her. She is such a beautiful women with so much strength. Not only is she my mother, she is my friend, my sister and one of my many soul-mates that am honored to know and have in my life.
One last thing, I also want to pray for my kitty Shilo. Please help me to better know what I can or need to do for him. Please let me know if he is hurting too much. The thought of losing him is almost too much, so am going to need you to provide me the strength that he will need from me.
I pray for all the children in the world sick, hurting, lonely, homeless, parent-less, scared, hungry, cold, neglected, abused, unloved, unwanted and simply sad and confused, because they don't deserve any of it. If I can be of any help in this world for your children Lord, please please use me. You know that is where my heart is. I look forward to my meeting at Joe DiMaggio's children's hospital this week, and what possibilities may come from this meeting.
Goodnight and I love you.