Cherish Every Moment....

Just sharing out loud.

No, I am not pregnant, but for some reason I do find myself feeling a bit emotional.  Probably PMSing, but I wouldn't know since I do not have my monthly any longer due to the Mirena IUD. However, I do still feel the symptoms, but do not fully keep track of when these symptoms will or should appear each month.

However..... before reading blogs this morning that pulled at my heart strings and brought tears down my face.  I had already been feeling a bit emotionally conflicted about something that happened to me May of 2007.  Mark and I had sat down and prayed together that God bless us with a child of our own.  It was granted right away.  We were thrilled, excited, surprised so soon and thankful.  We were so ecstatic that we told everyone right away.  My doctors appointment was scheduled for the following week.  This pregnancy was planned to the "T" that I even kept track of my ovulation dates per month. We really wanted this baby. 

Unfortunately, and fortunately, God has another plan for us.  I have shared this story before in October 15th, when remember all babies lost, month. The day before my doctors appointment I started to bleed.  When I called him, he seem optimistic on the phone that it could mean nothing, to come in and let him see.  Well, as the day went on, the bleeding got worse and I knew I was losing our baby.  In fact I am pretty sure I even saw the product of what was my baby after it left my body.  I was sad, but wasn't in tears just yet, but felt very, very sad and disappointed.  

I went to the doctor the next day and it was confirmed.  I was no longer pregnant and it appeared that my body was cleansing itself.  I was told that I needed to come in for blood test the following week to see if my numbers were going down.  Once they were back down to zero, we would be able to try again for that baby we prayed for.  

It all seemed easy enough.  A little too easy, but to distract my attention away from what had just happened to me, I focused on what needed to be done next.  I go back in the following week and my numbers went down, but only a little.  Not as much as they should have, but was told to not worry, they would go down.  I go back in the following week and still the same thing, my number were going down very slowing.  The pregnancy test kept saying I was pregnant.  My body wasn't letting go of all the remains and so they mentioned that I would possibly be needing an D&C surgery to clean out the uterus, so that my body wouldn't think I was still pregnant, and my numbers could go down and try again.  This was very frustrating, it was causing me to continue to be very emotional about it all. My body was bleeding a lot for several weeks and I was hormonally wacko in nicer terms.  

I went to see a doctor that lived closer to me that some friends had referred because my doctor lived about an hour south of where we were now living.  He suggested that I be given a shot of some kind that will help my body to let go of what it believes is a pregnancy, or baby.  He said he gave it to his wife when she experienced this situation.  It was safe and less "dramatic" than have surgery done to my body.  I agree to take his advice and I am given two shots of fluid into each side of my bum cheeks.  (Nice visual, hu?) Sorry! 

I am told to go back in every 2 days to the LapCorp to have my blood tested.  My numbers still would not go back down to zero, they would rise a little, drop a little and it was becoming a very long precess.  My body wasn't letting go.  I had to go in and have the shots one more time as a last resort before surgery.  Finally, after almost 2 months worth of needles, blood test, sadness and loss.  It was over.  

I remember the last day I got the last shot, I met Mark for lunch and as I am sitting there, tired from all the poking my body endured for last 2 months.  I just started crying.  Trying to keep it covered so people sitting around having their lunch, didn't look at my husband as if he was the one making me cry.  We held hands and he tried to comfort be as best as he could.  Reality set it, that I lost our first baby.  

August 12th, I took a test and it was 'pregnant', because I used the Clear Blue response that says you are pregnant or not pregnant. I wasn't taking any risk with those test with lines and plus signs, I wanted to clearly have my answer.  This time we got excited, but a little reserved.  We didn't share with anyone but maybe a very few close inner circle group of friends and family.  We kept it quiet until that 3 months had passed and we were safe.  However, it was easy to hide considering how sick I was the ENTIRE 3-months, and the ENTIRE pregnancy term.  Wow, was that a rough pregnancy.  

Come April 14th, 2008, our baby girl Morgan Paige.  What a beautiful day that was and will always be to this family.  We had our prayers answered and we were gifted by God a child, His gift.  Thank you, God, for our gift from you, our two beautiful healthy children.  

However, there comes a time here and there, not as much as it use to, but they still appear.  That I will wonder about that little baby we had lost.  Was it a boy? Was it a girl? Twins? (Okay, maybe that's reaching..... with the twin thing. HA!) I still feel sad and wonder about that angel and what had happened to lose s/he. Along with that sadness, I have joy.  Joy, because had I not experienced that loss, I then wouldn't have my little girl here today and boy do I LOVE her.  

She is crawling, pulling herself up, starting to explore with more adult type of solid foods.  She is breaking in more teeth, saying a few different words, waving hi and bye, and really starting to communicate and express herself.  I'm so in love with her and so thankful to have her here with us today, but wanted to take a moment and let my other angel know that s/he is not forgotten.